It has been a time honored tradition of horse owners and jockeys alike to name their horses weird and chilling things in order to add a little bit of fun for the average horse-racing enthusiast. Such legendary names included Chestnut Crimson and Eating Your Own Heart, but they were never Kentucky Derby winners. Today, we have put together a list of the ten weirdest names of horses who have actually won something in there lives.
(1) Thunderous Blood Slide, 1993 Winner.
When we asked the owner of this horse why he named it Thunderous Blood Slide, he simply told us to picture the beginning of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining and we knew what he meant.
(2) Gelatinous Hemorrhage, 1973 Winner.
Ol’ Gelly was quite the legend in her day, but sadly she recently passed away after birthing her seventeenth offspring. Hopefully one day her own children will win big as she did, but doubtful since they have dumb names like Lightning and AR-15. Not the name of winners.
(3) The Glorious Crusade of Skulls, 1987 Winner.
Named after Attila the Hun’s glorious crusade of skulls, The Glorious Crusade of Skulls was once a complete bloodbath on the track. Holding true to her name, Skulls would often bite other horses in order to win. Instead of using speed, Glorious Crusade used fear.
(4) Scorn of a Father, 2062 Winner.
Traveling from the future, Scorn went on a Paul Revere-esq ride through the cosmos in order to warn us about the unavoidable space war that was coming in the 2070s. However, we aren’t going to take this lying down. Some things, like space wars, are unavoidable, but that doesn’t mean that we will lose this war. No, we have already begun preparing and this time, Zorp, we will be ready for you.
(5) Bucky Benjamin, 1942 Winner.
Hitler was on the rise, but the winning of Bucky Benjamin gave America hope. Our troops would often wear his image on their helmets in order to spur one another on toward victory. Thank you, Mr. Benjamin, for your service.
(6) Bruno Mars, 2014 Winner.
Named after the famed pop singer, this horse sure had funk. He was known to sire more colts than any other horse before him. A true legend.
(7) Rex Washington, 1925 Winner.
We have explored this legend before in further length, if you want to read more about it, click here.
(8) Colonel Collots, 1963 Winner.
The Colonel does not allow us to speak of him. The Colonel is beyond us in every way. Forget what you know of the Colonel.
(9) Normie Fortress, 1999 Winner.
A true fighter for the middle class, Normie Fortress was heralded as the peoples champ and then immediately put down for treason. The papers read, “We regret to inform you that the horse was problematic.”
(10) Traditional Marriage, 1955 Winner.
What a wonderful world. Enjoy it while you can.
That’s all they told us to say about him.
And that’s the list, yup. Cool.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who never wants to see a horse again. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.