Local Woman Takes Weeks Off Her Life Each Morning by Hate-Reading Articles on Facebook


(Detroit, MI) Michelle Lee is not your average woman. She graduated from Harvard at the top of her class, she was the youngest woman in America to become a business contracts lawyer, and each morning, Michelle takes weeks off of her life by hate-reading articles on Facebook. Although it is unlikely that this will ever stop, she is optimistic about her chances and wants to try and improve, even if she will miss the thrill she gets from thinking about how wrong her former friends are. But hey, each of has a vice, right?


It usually starts off with something tame, like 13 Ways to Know You’re a Potterhead, but usually ends up somewhere much more self-deprecating, like Why Jared Has Given up Hope on Your Relationship. She can’t help it. Every article she reads brings her some sort of weird pleasure in viewing something so contradictory to her own world view. It was almost as if she were peering into an alternate dimension.


Once she gets into the groove of hate-reading, she often moves on to what we in the industry like to refer to as ‘Mommy blogging.’ This typically involves a woman who just had a child or adopted a dog believing that she is the first person to ever do this and documents every little thing. This format is great for hate-reading, but not much else, which makes it all the more depressing.


Despite the fact that Michelle’s doctor has repeatedly advised her against the idea of hate-reading, she has not been able to beat this addiction. It comes to her in the morning, it comes to her at night, it will not leave her. Each day she slowly feeds off the hate breeding within Facebook, and each day she loves weeks off of her life by committing this heinous act.


It won’t be long until Michelle is hate-reading other things, like ancient tomes and books written by men, and who knows where this will take her? We write this now more out of general concern for our friend than journalistic integrity, but why would someone choose to take away years of their life for something so unfulfilling? We can’t figure it out.


In the end, it’s up to the person who does the hate-reading to really take a look at themselves and try to understand if they like what they see. If they don’t, well that’s that, but if they do, that’s a whole different story. I guess each of us just has to roll the dice and see where they lay.


But, if we’re being honest, Michelle you really gotta stop reading those articles my guy. You’re only aiding them with your hate, whereas your ignorance would leave them inert. Remember this next time the incessant need strikes.


That’s all we got. Peace.






This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who can’t wait to do this again tomorrow. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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