Hey there! Like any millennial, quasi-intellectual, or lighthouse keeper, you have probably at some point thought about making a podcast. I mean, obviously your thoughts are important enough to record and put out to the world, so why wouldn’t you want to start a podcast? That being said, you might be more artistic than that and do an experimental radio drama podcast, but that’s on you. Regardless, we want to help you on this weird journey, which is why we have put together how to make your unlistenable podcast in 5 easy steps. This one is for all you nerds out there.
Step 1: Buy recording equipment from the worst store you can find.
Have you ever been driving around town and just seen a terrible, awful store? You’re not exactly sure how it’s still open and the stuff they are selling seems to be essentially a knock-off of hit A&E show Storage Wars. This is where you will find your recording equipment. It won’t work well, it will have an annoying amount of character, and everything will sound like you are talking through a glass of water. It’s perfect.
Step 2: Drink pickle juice to loosen up your vocal chords.
A classic rookie podcaster doesn’t know this secret, but drinking pickle juice is a total life-hack. Your vocal chords will be so loose and you will be able to yodel with ease. Hey, maybe you could do a yodeling podcast. That’s what this world needs, right?
Step 3: Smash a soda can onto your forehead.
This is by far the most important step when creating a wonderful, completely awful podcast. Just before you begin speaking with your lubed up vocal chords into your discount trash recorder, smash a soda can onto your forehead and get into it baby! You’re making a podcast. You’re living your best life. Smash that can and don’t take no for an answer my guy. You are a dude with a podcast and there is nothing doper, fresher, or cooler than that.
Step 4: Whisper a word of blessing to the Slime God.
Without the Slime God, we would be nothing, for he approaches, but her never comes. For this, we utter blessings, but we know our time is short. Once the Slime God comes, the nothingness will return, for as from the void we came, the void we will return.
Step 5: Just have fun with it.
At the end of the day, this is your unlistenable podcast and no one else’s. Don’t let ‘reviews’ or ‘good taste’ ruin your fun, because no one is listening anyway! All you are doing is providing research for the aliens that find us to wonder on what happened to this horrid planet that it got to be like this. Your unlistenable podcast will become their rosetta stone. It’s quite a thing to consider, but if you’re all they know of humanity, why not get weird with it?
Bam! You are now ready to make that podcast. Trust us, by the time you are done, not even your own mother will want to listen to you rant about the latest Star Battle film. That’s right nerds, I’m talking to you!
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who considers himself part of the post-nerd movement. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.