Report: Local Millennial Population Last Seen Aimlessly Wandering Supermarket


(Phoenix, AZ) The avocados are browning and the local millennial population is nowhere to be seen. While these creatures are not seen as often as some of their gen x counterparts, this town is starting to notice a sharp drop in millennial sightings. According to a consensus of witnesses we spoke with, the last known location of our local millennial population was aimlessly wandering a nearby supermarket. We have all seen this sort of behavior before, but without a need to look for reason. Now, however, we need to find answers. Why now? And where have the millennials gone?


We caught up with the city of Phoenix’s very own Cornstand Jimmy, mayor and hot dog salesman, to hear what he had to say on the subject. “I have been around for so long that no one knows a time without me. I’m older than God.”


Then, unsure of what question would come next, we fled. After getting in some cardio, we decided to ask a few millennial-adjacent individuals what they thought about the recent disappearances and supermarket wanderings. Our first interviewee was Jan Pantoma, who has three millennial children that haven’t been seen since Tuesday. “I told each of them that they were too old for me to do their shopping and next thing I know, they’ve disappeared. I tell you what, I’m not even going to look for them. They can stay lost.”


Next, we talked with community college professor and rueful dowager, Melshika Brown, who had seen a sharp drop in class attendance since the disappearances began. “How am I supposed to teach these students how to properly fill a shoe with concrete if they don’t show up for class?” Melshika said, sighing in frustration. “It’s like they don’t even appreciate the community college experience we are providing for them here at Chemical Warshed.”


Once we escaped Melshika’s pit-fall trap, we caught up with local sheriff and gardening fiend Mona Chalmers to talk about what citizens could do in case they come across a millennial and how to report them to the police. “Well first of all, don’t be a narc, ok?” Mona began. “But yeah, just let us know if you see any 20-somethings trying to feel for just the right avocado or whatever and we’ll be like yep, that’s them. It’ll be cool.”


Finally, we asked God why he made us, but he got off-topic fast. “You fool. You incredible fool. Why do you bring me these petty feuds? I am the creator of the galaxy’s and you want me to comment on the disappearance of a few lousy life forms? I got stuff to do dude, let me live. Why don’t you just figure out for yourself this time, ya nerd?”


Ouch, rough stuff.


Until the millennial population returns, please greet your neighbors in the normal way and please limit yourself to three elbow licks each, as is commanded. The millennials will return soon, they must.






This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who may continue it later, but you never know. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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