Area Man Too White For Boba


(Seattle, WA) On Thursday afternoon, Johnboy Taylor was invited out to a drink with friends. Once he arrived, he realized that their idea of drinks was different from his. While Johnboy was used to getting slaughtered with his boys, this friend group was into something a little more particular: boba tea. Johnboy had never had boba before, but he was interested in trying new things, a skill he had learned when studying abroad. However, it was clear from the first gulp of tapioca that he had made a huge mistake. He was simply too white for it.


The taste in his mouth had been good at first, but then immediately had turned when he realized this “drink” had not just liquids, but solids as well. “What is this?” Johnboy asked his friends after choking down the tapioca balls.


“That’s the fun of boba!” his friends exclaimed in unison. “The fun squirty balls! The fun squirty balls!”


“I’m sorry, I guess I just don’t like the texture of it.” Johnboy spent the rest of his day wondering what it was about boba that he just wasn’t understanding. He had always prided himself on not being a picky eater and even was thinking about joining a culinary institute in the fall. “I just don’t get it, I feel like I’m missing out.”


However, according to Taylor’s friends, it was not that hard to believe. “JB has always been a poser. He once told me that his best friend in the world was John Mayer, what an asshole.”


“I once went out to dinner with him and he complained that the water was too spicy,” said one former girlfriend. “So, no, I’m not surprised that he doesn’t like boba.”


One day, in the distant future, Johnboy’s life will boil down to nothing more than the decisions he made. He will realize that boba could have been his saving grace, but he didn’t take a risk and just go for it. Like a downright fool.


Drink boba kids, it will grow your mind.






This article was written by Nathan Ellwood in-between sneezes, so forgive him for any accidental spelling errors. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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