(Silicon Valley, CA) Damn it, we were so close. We have just received word that the best time to invest in time travel was yesterday. Unfortunately, no one knew, so nobody except for a handful of eccentric uncles have cashed in on this amazing opportunity. The irony here is that if we had time travel now, we could go back to yesterday and invest in time travel, which actually would probably explain the big boost in investments for that day. Huh, maybe everyday could be the best day to invest in time travel. No, hear me out.
I know this might sound like something Biff from Back to the Future would think of, but trust me when I say that I have been riding this though-train for about 40 seconds, so it’s a foolproof idea. OK, the way it works is we all invest in the idea of time travel every day for the next year. Then, we write a bunch of literature that talks about how 2018 was the year to invest in time travel. Then, once time travel is invented, they will all come back to that year to complete the self-fulfilling prophecy, making us all rich in this new timeline.
Like I said, foolproof.
Now, at the moment, I am a little bit strapped for cash, so I am starting a GoFundMe to raise money to invest in this revolutionary idea. For just $99.99 a month, you have the potential of winning millions and the opportunity to have a time traveler take you back to the future with him a la the hit film Back to the Future.
That’s right. Not only are you investing in the opportunity of a lifetime, but you will also be entered into a drawing to win a trip to the future! So far, the only people have that have invested are me and my mom, so your odds are still pretty good.
I understand that many of you will still have doubts about things like how we will meet up in the new timeline and all that. That is why each investment into Buy the Future will come with a microchip implant and a home-implantation tool for easy usage. When the future that we all bought comes true, meet up in the shadows of Jupiters Moons. The usual place.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves Io the best. Follow this goon on Twitter for more @NPEllwood.