(Oklahoma City, OK) In a recent attempt to show how transparent their business practices are, Sonic Drive-In Inc. has declassified a series of old company documents. These documents were mainly financial holdings, profit reports, and new flavor combinations. However, written within this data was a story much more peculiar and much more haunting. We have discovered that the guys from Sonic’s commercials have been dead since 2007 and a series of robots have taken their place over the last 11 years. This, is BREAKING news.
In a document hidden so far inside of a zip file that I had to Google how to access it was a list of paid talent by the Sonic Corporation. According to these reports, both T.J. Jagodowski and Peter Grosz were taken off the payroll and their life insurance was filed. Soon after, a different hidden file indicates that the Sonic Corporation paid a incredible sum to a company called “Robotz 4 U” the very next day. Have these two men been replaced by newer and newer robots? Are we failing the Turing Test every time we see their commercials, tempting us with tasty treats?
Personally, I am pretty impressed. I mean, T.J. Jagodowski had a multi-season arc on Veep, so if that is a robot, that is incredible.
But truly, the worst part is that Sonic has been lying to us. They, in an attempt to show a transparent side, have shown us the beast behind the mask. We do not belong to you, Sonic. You cannot replace us and our favorite mid-range comedians with robots at whim. This is a democracy sir, last time I checked.
Oh no. I just thought of something. What if they replaced me? What if I’m the robot? But what would the Sonic Corporation want with me? I have been nothing if not generous with my purchases from your drive-in. Please, don’t tell me this is a simulation or that I’ve been a robot the whole time. I don’t want to be in a Black Mirror episode, they give me nightmares.
Please, Sonic. Please tell me I’m real.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is waiting for @Sonic’s response. Tweet me dude @NPEllwood.