(Chicago, IL) In a recent report published by My Brain Industries, it appears that Walgreens has for many years predominately sold only two products: wine and Oreos. According to the study that surveyed thousands of Walgreens stores, the majority of items in their establishments are nothing but cardboard with pictures of the actual products printed on them. Have we all simply been living a shared delusion that we are at the store for anything but our basest desires? How have we allowed this to continue? And, most importantly, what is the other 20% of the products they are selling?
The report did not go into specifics beyond this initial revelation, but it did show that this is not a recent trend. Apparently the highest they reached was in 1995 when Oreos and Wine reached an unprecedented 92% of their total sales for the year. This means that for the past 20+ years they have been lying to us, their devoted customer base. A customer base that apparently has an alcohol and sweets problem.
In order to get the best possible answers about this issue, I went down to my local Walgreens and asked a few patrons what they thought about this study.
“Honestly I’m not surprised,” admitted Juan, a freshman at Depaul. “I can’t remember ever making a purchase that wasn’t wine and Oreos.”
“Heed my warning,” began a man standing outside the Walgreens who asked to be interviewed unprompted. “Walgreens is just the beginning. Soon we will all be buying products that we have no use for, that have no purpose. We will take them home and say, ‘Look at us! We are living life!’ The truth is that we will have been dead for centuries. It will all have been a shared illusion or delusion. Heed my warning!
It’s as if that guy doesn’t even know what late capitalism is.
D’Arcy Crayton responded to my question by showing me her shopping bag. “As you can see, I’m not like those other normies.” And it was true. D’Arcy had filled her entire bag with fresh mud from down by the stream. We nodded in agreement with her until she let us be, failing to put her hex on us as she had intended. We win this round D’Arcy.
“I guess it makes sense since about 80% of my personal diet is just those two things,” said Stu Mitchell, who was clearly stoned. “I mean, that and something else. If you get what I’m saying,” Stu then tried to give us a high five but gave up halfway through.
The final person we spoke to was Candyce, a Walgreens cashier who told us genuinely “I hate everyone that comes in here and I hate this corporation. I was at work and got my period the other day so I went to grab some pads and they were nothing but cardboard boxes. I checked and they have zero supplies that people actually need. How does this place even function?”
When we asked her why she worked somewhere she hated so much she simply shrugged and said “I need the cash.” It was vague.
Turns out our trip to Walgreens left us somehow more confused than we were before. Don’t worry though, we remembered to get the wine and Oreos. What are we, assholes?
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who, if you can’t tell, really needs to make a Walgreens trip. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.