(Des Moines, IA) According to a recent report by the CEI or Candy Enthusiasts International to the uninformed, there is something peculiar happening with one of our most prized candies. Werther’s Originals, associated with a simpler time and rides in the car with grandpa, or at the very least, a charming elderly Lyft driver. However, according to this report, the Werther’s Originals have gone missing. Not only that, but the CEI believes that these tasty candies were not taken, but that they simply turned into June bugs and crawled away.
Now, I am not an expert on the dealings of bugs and insects. Nor do I pride myself on any ability in the biology field. I should also mention that I have never had a sweet tooth and find candies excessive almost to the point of aggression. All that said, I don’t think that these candies could simply turn themselves into a living organism and scatter to the breeze. Even from an evolutionary stand point, how could a manufactured sugar bean become a gross little beetle in the blink of an eye? I don’t understand.
The more I read through their report, the more I was convinced that they were looking in all the wrong places. They said that ever since the disappearance there had been far more June bugs seen in the area and absolutely no Werther’s Originals to be found. We even heard that the Werther’s factory on the edge of town was shutting down. Whether or not it was June bugs, I knew that something strange was going on.
I decided to sneak into the factory and see for myself what was happening. What I discovered within will haunt me til the end of my days. Being dipped into caramel by a giant robotic arm was June bug after June bug. As soon as the caramel hardened, the bugs took the shape of a Werther’s Original, thus disguising them and allowing them to infiltrate our homes.
I believe that the June bugs have collected enough data on us to do something truly harmful and have decided they no longer need to hide themselves in plain site. Now they march together, working toward a unified goal. What that goal is, no one can say for sure. All I know is that the Werther’s have gone off to march and I miss my damn candies.
What a wackadoo world this is, huh?
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would rather do almost anything than have a bug stuck in his ear. It’s a thing, look it up (but actually don’t it’s awful). Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.