Listen pal, I have a thing or two to say about my customer service experience and you are going to hear about it. First, I was not greeted by my waiter promptly enough and had to sit there for minutes, parched, with a throat that was bone dry. Then, second if you’re keeping track at home, I received a cold fish head on my plate like I’m some sort of European. Third and finally, I want you to know something, oh corporate entity you. I wasn’t going to bring this up, but I’m kind of a big deal on Yelp. Yeah, that’s right. And if you don’t do exactly as I say, you will feel my wrath.

I have some demands. I would like to first hereby be refunded for my disastrous meal at your establishment. I mean, obviously. Next, I need you to do something for me. Something high stakes, that way I know you care about me.

I need you to rob a bank. No, shut up, listen, you can do this. Did you see that Black Mirror episode? People can do anything they put their minds to! Living on this hellscape planet has some perks, right?

Nah, I’m just kidding, you don’t have to rob a bank. I just need your help getting back with my ex. You see, we haven’t spoken since I ended things a month ago, but now I’m regretting that decision. Can you call him and ask if he would take me back?

You see, you are the perfect person to do this. You aren’t involved in the situation, you would merely be the messenger between two people who might have a real shot at making it work. Isn’t that something? Don’t you want to participate in something that sounds straight out of a Hallmark Original movie?

Why not? I mean, what’s the point of living in a customer-centric late-capitalist country if I can’t get random people to do stuff for me? Can I speak to your supervisor?

God. What a day.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is going to workshop this as a one-act play at the nearby graveyard next Tuesday. BYOB. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.