Hello my dear friends and colleagues, I would like to borrow your time for just one minute to talk with you about an issue that is very near and dear to my heart. As a constituency, we believe that great change needs to happen at the polls this year. We believe that there is truly only one option available to us at this point. We must gather together as a civilized collective and return the great swirling vortex back to its glorious reign. Consume us, oh great one! And Bring Back The Great Swirling Vortex 2018.

You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. You know who said that? Jesus. That’s right, and he would agree with me when I say that a swirling, all-consuming vortex is the only option humanity has left. You know what, I’m not getting my point across. Let’s write out a pros and cons list so that we can better demonstrate our point.

Pros of a giant swirling vortex:

• Consumes all life, thus by therefore consumes all sinners.
• Never have to worry about running out of water.
• No more pesky land!
• I think it would be really cool to be a boat in the middle of the great swirling vortex and have it’s watery claws pull me down slowly into it’s fluid maw. I think that would be a real treat.
• No more politics. No more twitter. I could finally get some sleep.
• When everyone is a part of the vortex, there is no need for rules.
• Most dentists are on board.
• The vortex will eat your fear for you!
• You love the vortex.

Cons of a giant swirling vortex:

• Literally nothing comes to mind.

So go out to the polls and vote for the Giant Swirling Vortex for comptroller, which as we all know, is the most comical elected official.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves his local comptroller like his own mayor. So, there is almost no difference. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.