(Big Springs, MO) I never claimed to be a prophet, I just want to get that clear from the beginning. I am simply telling you a story of something that happened to me last night that I can’t stop thinking about. Those who take me as a prophet are lost sheep, and I am not shepherd. Probably would have been a miller, but that’s beside the point. Last night, around 4:30 in the morning, I was visited in a vision by the Duolingo Owl. Persistent as ever, the owl begged me to learn Spanish as soon as possible. I told them I would just so they would leave me alone, but now I fear there will be more serious consequences. Please, anyone, listen to my story.
After I told the hauntingly chipper Duolingo Owl that I would learn Spanish as soon as I could, I could tell right away that he didn’t buy it. He looked straight at me and said “It would be a shame if you didn’t learn Spanish, Jason. Something might happen to you.” He then slunk away, back into whatever ethernet port he had crawled out of, but his words were stuck in my brain. It was such a weird and vague threat that I didn’t know if I should laugh it off or fear the worst.
Naturally, I feared the worst. Obviously this owl was going to somehow wreak havoc on my life unless I went to their app and really leaned into the gamification of it all and did the damn thing of becoming fluent in another language. But, I’ve just been so busy lately, you know? I know that’s not an excuse, but I am just having a hard time getting motivated, you know? Is it just me in this crushing void or are there others? Which reality is more terrifying?
Whoa. Fearing the worst can quickly turn into an out of control tailspin. Good thing I am back on track. I will try my best to learn Spanish, but now I feel as if I must walk around on pins and needles. I don’t want my luck to turn sour like old milk in the fridge. I want to smell like fresh milk in the fridge. Is that a smell people like? I don’t know.
‘Donde esta la biblioteca?’ Am I doing it? Does this count? Will you spare your wrath, oh green one?
I have received no response. I must wait in fear. God help us all.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who went into the woods a man of the seasons, but emerged a man of the dawns. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.