Have y’all heard about this, or am I the last to the trend just like I was with planking? God I looked like such a fool. Apparently, according to sources close to me in this coffee shop, people can just lie on the internet? I am just finding this out and I am not pleased. How much unsolicited and likely uninformed advice have I taken from the internet with no thought as to whether or not is true? On top of that, I feel like I am behind on my own lying. In order to remedy this situation, I think it is about time I got caught up on my internet karma and started boosting myself a little with some extraneous fibs.
First, I went to LinkedIn and changed my last job listed from “volunteer floor manager at the Wendy’s on 26th and Brownwood” to “King of the Lesser Gods.” I figured royalty should always be given preferential treatment, so why wouldn’t companies looking to hire me think the same?
Next up, I changed my height on all of my online dating sites. I am tired of women trying to climb me like a tree upon meeting, so while most guys would add a few inches, I almost cut mine in half. I want women to be confused by my height and then pleasantly surprised when I show up. That seems to be the best approach I have come up with.
Thirdmost, I thought that I would post a couple of Facebook updates and push out some Twitter tidbits, just to test the waters of this whole ‘lying’ thing. On Facebook, I updated my relationship status to “It’s Complicated” and then simply waited for the comments to come. On Twitter, I started vaguing all over the place, making everyone fall off their proverbial horse. It was a real ruckus, a Honda Ruckus even.
Finally, I hit up Turbo Tax and thought “what the hell, might as well,” right? I changed all of my W2s to show that I was a millionaire, hoping that they would reward me for my job well done and present me with more money. A guy told me that’s how business works once and I haven’t done any further study of the subject, so I am hoping it works. Right now it is saying I will actually owe way more, but that’s probably just an error with the system. Everyone knows millionaires don’t pay taxes.
The last fib I will leave you with is a small one, but definitely my favorite. I told Mike Huckabee that I would write his jokes for the next six months through a DM on Venmo and he sent me an advance that will more than cover this months rent. Only thing is that there is no way I am doing that and I already blew the cash on a better motorcycle.
Now that I’ve had my fun with this whole internet thing, I’m getting back to what I truly love: hitting the pavement on my hog. See you later, web nerds!
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like to wish you a happy Monday and remind you that time is not, never has been, and never will be real, so don’t sweat it. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.