Ain’t Nothing Like A Schweppes For When the Night Terrors Come!


Mmmm, slurp! Just looking at that cover image wets my whistle. Hello, dear readers, today I am here to tell you about a sweet treat beverage you may already be familiar with: Schweppes ginger ale, a national treasure. I myself have been on a Schweppes kick for over twenty years and, not to brag, but I have been to their corporate headquarters all the way over in Geneva, Switzerland. Quite a trip! It was at this exotic destination that I was first told about the power of Schweppes for more than calming the stomach. The ale scientists showed me how this delicious light beverage can also be used to fight night terrors when they inevitably come. What a delight!


It all started when I entered the Schweppes headquarters and yes, it is as lavish and luxurious as you might imagine. The entire time I was in the facility, it felt as if my very pores were being filled with the love of Aries himself. Never been filled with the love of Aries? Couldn’t be me. Let’s just say, it was how I wish I could always feel, but sadly this glimpse of heaven was cut short when we entered the clean room.


Within the clean room we came to a sort of huddle with the scientists there. “OK everyone,” began the person we assumed was in charge due to his much larger trench coat than the others. “The time has come to accept the fate of Schweppes and truly fulfill each of our individual destinies. Glimpse into the Schweppes pool of knowledge and become your True Self.”


As if in a trance, each of us took turns taking a look at a small pool that was held on a table in the center of the lab. When it came my turn to peer into the bowl, I saw nothing but the void, and it didn’t look back at me. It was indifferent. It was over it. I wasn’t sure if this was what was supposed to happen, so I looked around the room for confirmation and was met with long stares. No one was exactly looking at me, but far into the distance beyond me. I returned to my place and tried to figure out what was going on.


It wasn’t until I returned home for the evening and got all tucked into bed that I realized what was happening to me. The moment I shut my eyes, I was assaulted with images that still shake me to my core. I tried my best to remain asleep and simply fight on toward better dreams, but I kept being shaken awake by the trauma. The void had left its mark on me and I thought that I was doomed for sure.


But then, I remembered what the scientists had told us at the facility, which also happens to be Schweppes’ new company slogan: Ain’t Nothing Like A Schweppes For When the Night Terrors Come! I immediately ran for the fridge, downed a Schweppes, and crawled back into bed. I slept like a baby!


I highly recommend drinking Schweppes in this capacity, but I don’t think I can go so far as to recommend a visit to their headquarters. I think I would have been fine without ginger ale if it meant that I wouldn’t be scared awake each evening, but that’s life I guess.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is really just doing this for the free ginger ale. Oh, we don’t have sponsorships? Can we get on that? Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.

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