(St. Louis, MO) Where does the time go? Well, according to area man and lifestyle blogger Dennis Silvermouth, it can fly out the window when you are chasing notifications. In fact, Dennis has told us that he accidentally wasted his entire twenties trying his best to always answer the notifications on his phone. It wasn’t until his 31st birthday that he stopped to look around, but by then his twenties were behind him and all he had to show for it was thirty-two hundred Instagram followers. Not to shabby, but was it worth the time lost? We’ll answer that question and more. This, is his story.
It all started when Dennis was still in college. He had just finished his sophomore year and as he was enjoying his summer off before beginning his third year, Facebook hit the streets and his life was forever changed. Dennis was immediately hooked on the stuff and could hardly look away. In fact, even before Facebook had a mobile app, Silvermouth would receive notifications via text. That’s just how dedicated he was to the grind.
At first, Dennis didn’t notice that he had a notifications problem. I mean, back when he first got on Facebook, no one really knew what they were doing and keeping up with messages was similar to responding to emails. It wasn’t until apps like Farmville came around that notifications took on a life of their own. They became a never-ending torrent of information and Dennis began to have a harder and harder time ignoring their call. Like the sirens of old, he was lost in the sea, but wouldn’t realize his folly until it was too late.
As the social media platforms continue to grow and expand, Dennis became more and more removed from reality, preferring the world of notifications. His boyfriend of 2 years was soon having trouble reaching him outside of social media and soon became frustrated, leaving him for someone who ‘Doesn’t care so much about his damn e-farm.” Dennis wasn’t even flustered by this, only disappointed that he would have one less section on his ‘about me’ page.
His rock bottom came when he was walking down the street one day and felt a buzz in his pocket. Without even thinking, Dennis went to check his phone, forgetting to look both ways before crossing the street. He was immediately struck by a bus and, although he wasn’t killed, was seriously injured and had to be hospitalized. Without the use of his arms, Dennis couldn’t check his notifications and began begging the nurses who came to his room to tell him the latest from his feed.
Little did Dennis know that most of his friends and family had unfollowed him months, some even years earlier. He had walled himself off, choosing online farming and cwazy cupcakes over true, honest human connection. He sat alone in his hospital room, wondering where he had gone wrong, only to realize that he had been wrong for years. Upon this realization, Dennis swore that he would never chase notifications again. He would live his life in the moment and check his messages in his own timing. He would be a slave no longer.
Dennis has been clean for five months now and no longer has a problem with missing notifications. You see, his doctor recommended that he get rid of social media altogether. Now, Dennis no longer worries about what others think of him and he is much, much happier.
We caught up with one of Silvermouth’s friends to see what they thought of this radical transformation. “I was really worried for Dennis there for awhile,” said his friend, who asked to remain anonymous. “But honestly he’s even more annoying now. He won’t stop talking about how he deleted his Facebook and how ‘Mark Zuckerberg is the devil,” it’s honestly worse than where he started.”
Well, you know what they say: “You win some, you lose some, and sometimes the bug planted within you by major corporations distorts your idea of reality so much that you can never find your way home.”
Dennis, welcome to your thirties.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would really love to featured more authors on this site. So, if you have ever wanted to write something satirical or weird, please email firstname.lastname@example.org with your ideas and we would love to feature them! Also he is the ghoul king, but you already knew that. Follow his majesty on Twitter @NPEllwood.