In the world of comedy, there is a saying: “Anyone can do this.” Turns out, that is not true. You see, there are certain people that simply don’t have a funny bone in their body. They may even have a few extra bones, like being the good at accounting bone or the yoga instructor bone, but the one made for humor is missing. Mike Huckabee suffers from this same condition, but he is unaware of this. He is ignorant of his own fatal flaw, but who isn’t? Unfortunately, we as a nation are constantly subjected to his horrid attempts at humor and yet again, he has tried to make a joke, and yet again, we cringe together.
This whole fracas began when ol’ Mikey H. resigned from the CMA a few weeks ago. Apparently, after being told of his recognition by the ghost of Kenny Chesney, Huckabee began to incessantly tell jokes again and again, rattling off unfunny puns, racial stereotypes, and over-used punchlines with just the worst timing imaginable. You would think that he was a group of frogs working together to control a man and none of them had even seen a Steve Martin special. It was terrible.
That being said, I’m not sure what we expected. Huckabee has bee spewing his awful humor across our screens for years now, whether it be on his show or his Twitter feed, both a different kind of horrible. We have been trying for years to understand this man and his battle against love and laughing and the good things in life, but no one knows why he does these things. No one can control him and we fear that the worst is yet to come.
You see, we have received word directly from the President of Operations that Mike Huckabee has been a manifestation of our collective hatred of the universe. In fact, he is the anti-man, a misrepresentation of reality. While this sounds like it is better, we regret to inform you that this is actually much, much worse.
Collective manifestations are quickly becoming one of the most dangerous things in our country. Pitbull, Ed Sheeran, Amy Schumer, Katy Perry. These are all manifestations of our worst fears and desires, but they are not real. The more that you engage with them, the more lost you will become.
We urge you all to avoid these aberrations at all costs. Please, do it for the future.
Do it for our salvation.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who will admit it got away from him. Follow him for more on Twitter (if you care to) @NPEllwood.