Seeking: three good friends to share a bed with me like the grandparents from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. No, not the one with Johnny Depp. You get out of here with that. I am hoping to start sleeping in this bed myself starting next week, and so the sooner I can fill this bad boy the better. Keep in mind: this is purely platonic and I do hope that over time we will fall into the roles of the four various grandparents, it is not technically a requirement. No rent is necessary, although I do request that you come to bed in a night gown by 10pm weeknights and 11pm weekends. So, what do you say, interested?

*OK, so apparently people were confused by my original ad. I am not sure why, it seems pretty straightforward to me. I just would like to find a few like-minded individuals who are willing to sleep in a bed and somewhat take on the roles of four elderly people from a strange movie. This is America, is it not? Can I not find and express my freedom any way I choose? Yes, that’s what I thought.

**Apparently, you are still not getting it. Let me explain. I have been blessed to receive a large, four poster bed as part of a recent investment opportunity. I, am a lover of life. I enjoy finding beauty in the uncanny. I want to use my bed to the fullest of its potential and I believe that the way we do that is by crowding together upon it and share stories of a simpler time. Is that not what the grandparents were there for, but to remind us of the unshaken, unending passage of time?

***I get it. “Why now?” right? Well, I have been going through some rough times lately. My fish left me. I just need some warmth in my life right now. Something to get me through. I think that sleeping with three other people for the sake of saving some money and growing closer together is a nice thing to do. What’s so wrong about that?

****Update: the vacancies have been filled! Me, Kevin, Jenny, and Marsha are having a wonderful time. I am so glad the internet was able to connect us like this. Every day there are more people just like me that I haven’t even met yet. Isn’t that just such a terrible and wonderful thing to dream?

Now find someone else to share a bed with, because I got my crew and we’re together for life.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, ya heard? Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.