So you found yourself on Tinder, again. You’re swiping through, so many times that it actually pops up a little screen with information on how to un-left swipe, judging you for being too … well, judgy. So you decide that maybe you should be more open-minded. That’s when you see them: Swampy, 32, Student.
You’re intrigued. So, you tap on the picture to read the bio. All it says is:
Yo what’s up, I’m Swampy.
Likes: Shooting hoops, cracking a cold one open with the boys, cats, Bachelor in Paradise
Dislikes: Bear Grylls, fire, deforestation
Looking for a girl with that all-natural look, like Kim K
Student of Life
Swipe right – I don’t bite! 😉
Well, it’s not the worst profile you’ve seen, and Tinder is guilting you into swiping right more, so you do. And surprisingly, you immediately get a notification that you and Swampy have matched.
That’s how you find yourself on what may be the most unorthodox date of your life, and in need of the next five tips to survival:
1. Stay hydrated – The first rule to keeping the upper hand in ANY social situation is to be the most hydrated person in the room. When dating your average Joe, this is fairly simple. However, when dating a swamp monster, you have to keep in mind that they will likely be dripping swamp water everywhere, so you’ll have to overcompensate a bit. Maggie, you may ask, is it too much to just bring the entire water tank from my boring office job with me? No, reader. No it is not.
2. Stock your purse with hand sanitizer – If your date is really a swamp monster, and if you’ve got a thing about germs, this may be a good investment. Just don’t whip it out all night; this may be perceived as aggressive.
3. Invest in a hanky – Again, you’re going on a date with somebody who isn’t the driest. A sturdy hanky will help you dry off after any hand-holding (this is, after all, a first date, and your dead great-grandmother’s ghost is watching) while also helping the environment! Your date will certainly appreciate this nod to caring about his home.
4. Avoid suggesting restaurants where the menu involves any animals native to swampy areas – Actually, this is just a good rule in general. #stopeatingbottomfeeders2k18
5. Bring a pack of cigarettes and a lighter – Even if you aren’t a smoker, this is a great way to get out of any awkward situations. Being perpetually moist makes it hard to keep a cigarette lit, so saying that you need to step outside for your hourly smoke will create the opportunity to either take a break or make a full-on escape. Much more inventive than the old “I need to step into the restroom” gag, PLUS if you’re gone for more than two minutes your date won’t assume that you’re pooping, saving you both some embarrassment.
If you follow these five tips, you may not get a second date, but you WILL survive the first one! After that … you’re on your own.
This article was written by Maggie, who has never dated a swamp monster, but has run into more than a few pieces of work on dating apps. She was assisted in creating this by her classmates, Alexia and Pete, with whom she has a fake Wrock band, The Vile Evil Little Cockroaches. You can find her on Twitter @madmaggs21.