(Jamaica, NY) Following a recent report published by the New York Times, the TSA has issued a formal apology for a serious accident that occurred at John F. Kennedy airport last Thursday. According to the original story, Julianne Clements was passing through the security checkpoint on her way to a flight across the Atlantic to visit a woman she had been seeing. As she took off her shoes and double checked her bag for liquids, she became excited to finally travel again. Unfortunately, as she held her hands above her head for the security scanner, she was suddenly reduced to a puddle of flesh, bones completely liquified. The TSA would again like to restate: “Our bad.”

The apology went on to further explain that this is the first instance of someone’s bones being liquified by a malfunctioning security unit, however they had been already conducting an investigation into the machines after other peculiar problems. For instance, another traveler was turned into a goat by a machine in St. Louis and another was teleported from Portland to Denver. Ironically, this was where the traveler was headed, so it worked out.

While there is still no explanation of how exactly these security scanners could be doing such bizarre and surprisingly powerful acts, the TSA assures passengers not to worry. “I mean, the odds of you being the person teleported or disintegrated is pretty low, much lower than dying in a plane crash, so don’t even trip.” The statement went on further to say that “everyone should just chill out” and “if the God of Travel wills it, who are we to stand in the way?”

Although the tone of the apology and subsequent statements have seemed genuine, there are critics that believe this is all a cover up of deeper, far worse secrets that the TSA has yet to tell us. If they possess the power to transform matter in this way with something as basic as a security scanner, what more could they be hiding? Or at least, that’s what the guy outside my building yelled at me this morning. That was of course after he described to me the dreams I had the night before, but this is something we do every morning, so it was really the critique of the TSA that stood out to me.

All that we can hope is that this problem will be resolved soon, and who knows? maybe we can harness this energy for good. I mean, that’s what the good guys say at the beginning of every disaster movie, and the disaster still happens, so what could go wrong? I, for one, would love to just teleport instead of sitting in a metal tube for a couple of hours. Seems like a better use of time.

Our thoughts go out to Julianne Clements and her friends and family as they begin to take these next steps oh my god I am so sorry. Our thoughts are with you, Julianne. Again, sorry about that.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who wasn’t liquified, but he did feel ‘different’ last time he exited a security scanner. Almost like he had been replaced by a double and the real him had been kidnapped and put in a cryogenic tube. Ha. Follow him (or is it?) for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.