When Was the Last Time You Had Your Bones Cleaned?


Hey there, just checking in. How have you been? Good? Oh, that’s wonderful. Listen, I don’t mean to be forward, but we haven’t seen you in awhile here at the facility and I wanted to make sure nothing had happened to you. According to our records, it has been a few years since your last bone cleaning and we would hate for you to lose your beautiful, exposed cartilage to some accident or calamity. Why don’t you come in sometime next week and we’ll fix those right up? I mean, when was the last time you had your bones cleaned, anyway?


Ah, good, you’ve come. Welcome. Before your appointment, please direct yourself to the login terminal and complete the 10 point questionnaire for us on your childhood fears and how they affect you in your everyday life. Then, you will need to offer us your soul as collateral in case something happens during the cleaning. Don’t worry, everything we are doing is completely routine, but you know, accidents happen.


Once your soul has been processed, you will be directed by our hosts to your designated pod. Upon arrival, you will be brought to your seat, offered a bib and if you’re lucky, a pillow. Your host will then go over your questionnaire with you, making sure to highlight your deepest fears and most damning insecurities. After this, she will begin to set up the tools and you will view out upon the pleasant scenery. “This isn’t so bad,” you will think. “I don’t know why I avoided this for so long.”


Soon, you will be probed and prodded with x-ray equipment while your host places a weighted led shirt over your chest. “The shirt is to ensure you will only get the diseases we have decided on,” she reassures you. While you receive your treatment, she captures the shape of your bones on a hidden monitor and uploads your files to the Bone Cloud upon completion.


After the x-rays have been taken, the Cleaner arrives. He makes pleasantries and asks you about your father, but your father has been gone for years. Doesn’t he remember? His smile convinces you he does, but the eyes tell a different story. He pokes and prods some more before recommending you let him study your activity patterns. Before leaving, he gives you one last look and you know that there is nothing behind the scrubs but a hollow husk. As soon as you look away, he disappears in a snap, not to be seen again unless summoned.


Finally, the host gets to the good part: the cleaning of bones. She picks at your gunk and rids you of impurities. Once she is done, she schedules your next bone cleaning for the following day, reminding you that ‘clean bones are happy bones.’ Before you realize what has happened, you are back in your car with a bag full of string. You aren’t sure where the last few hours have gone, but you feel as if the dread is just about to start all over again.


However, your bones are clean. The deed is done. Good, you’re finally starting to look like yourself again.






This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like to shout out the one bite law. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.


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