What’s that on the horizon, coming across the dunes? Could it be a cool and refreshing treat on his horrendously hot day? Oh it is, my sweet La Croix is here again to save the day. Thank you, bubbly water gods, for all that you do. Nothing quite like a dose of the most vague tasting lime water you have ever experienced. La Croix: It’s what’s for dinner.
Yes, you heard that right. Trying to get in on a new fad diet where followers drink nothing but sparkling water, La Croix is rebranding as the perfect ‘all in one meal.’ What they mean by that is still a mystery, but it seems that they are trying to position themselves as The drink of the diet known as “Sparkle.” In a press release issued by the company, they went on to say that “our La Croix drinks are top notch” and “definitely the same as eating a full meal.”
Of course, there has been a widespread push-back from the health community, claiming that La Croix drinks are not necessarily more or less healthy than drinking water, but they are much less nutritious than even the smallest snack, much less an entire meal. “The claims being made by the La Croix company are dangerous lies that need to be exposed,” explained a frustrated scientist named Pierre. “People can’t live on water alone, it just can’t be done!”
Another doctor weighed in, stating: “Bubbly water, huh? What will they think of next? No, of course you can’t live on nothing but La Croix, but I like to think of myself as a man of freedom, so who am I to stop people who want to try and do that? I mean, it likely won’t work, but they’ll never be dehydrated and it sounds like a wonderful way to spend the day.”
After hearing from both sides of this dispute, we decided to go directly to the source and ask La Croix exactly what they trying to do. “Listen y’all,” said a handsome man in a suit, “La Croix is an inoffensive drink, OK? We don’t have an opinion on anything. We’re just selling water that tastes a little funky. We don’t care if people are trying to drink nothing but our water. What they do with our product is not our responsibility. Now let us get back to smashing fruit together in a room next to our bottling plant.”
It appears that, for the time being, you can in fact enjoy a La Croix and call it a meal. I am going to blow people away by telling them I drink ten small meals a day. I am going to be so cool at dinner parties. Hell yeah.
Oh wait, but I won’t be able to enjoy it, I’ll just be drinking La Croix. A classic, what they call, tough decision. The choice is yours, America.
This article was written(?) by Nathan Ellwood, who ate the last Oreo. Follow him for more updates @NPEllwood.