In today’s day and age, finding affordable and helpful medical care can feel like a huge chore. We get it. We are also humans for all you know. This is humans writing this, yes. Thankfully, Big Research has stepped in to try and help the common man find better health coverage in this weird hellscape we inhabit. According to the findings issued in their first major report, the best indicator of sound and quality health care is not reviews on Yelp or recommendations from a trusted source, but actually purely based on the dopeness of the fish tank in their lobby. Baffled scientists can’t explain it, but the science checks out.

You see, over the last ten or so years, teams from Big Research have been traveling across the country to investigate different medical facilities, both private and public. While they admit that this is from a limited sample, the evidence is pretty clear that doctors with the highest patient satisfaction and longevity have also heavily invested in sprucing up their lobby in recent years, especially in the area of fish tanks. Why doctors of all types love fish tanks so much is still a mystery, but it is the most obvious correlation we have ever seen in an Excel spreadsheet, and that’s saying something!

I mean, you don’t think that Big Research would be lying to us like that, do you? We trust them with finding out things about our behavior as humans, but what if they are making it all up, crafting us into whatever type of being they want us to be? Ever think about that, huh? Because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like finding out that the Better Business Bureau is a hoax. Ugh, I can’t even imagine it!

Listen, I consider myself a sensible person, but if I can’t rely on these pillars of truth that I have always known, what can I believe in? How will I keep my world from falling apart? These are the big questions you are leaving me with here. I thought this was just going to be an innocent article about fish and now I have the gall to doubt Big Research. Please forgive me.

I have been lost, but I think I am finding my way back into the light. I must trust the process. I must trust the Research.

And most importantly, unless your doctor has one dope as hell fish tank, you better get out of there. You deserve the best.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like you to see this. Inspirational. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.