UPDATE: God, why does this always happen? Sorry everyone, our bad. We regret to inform you that the aforementioned singing teapot is racist. After returning home from a wonderful day of work fueled by the singing of the very same teapot, I came home with a joy in my heart. Little did I know that this joy would soon turn to ash when I realized what I had done. From the time I had left that morning until when I returned after work, the teapot had grown exponentially. Not only that, but for the first time I heard the lyrics of the songs she was singing and they were not pleasant. What I had first interpreted as southern charm quickly transformed into horrid bigotry. Again, we apologize for our earlier story praising the teapot.

I entered my house and slammed the door behind me, hoping to make a bold impression. The teapot didn’t even notice, it was simply singing to itself while boiling on the stove. I decided to try a more direct approach and shouted “Hey! What are you doing there, fiend?”

In the sing-songy voice that once captivated me I now found nothing but fear. She replied “You’ll never be rid of me, might as well get used to it.” I was struck by her forward nature and I grew distressed that I would never have the comfort of my home that I once enjoyed. Oh what a unfortunate series of events this has become. Is that trademarked?

Instead of trying to debate this foul ghost demon from beyond the reach, I quickly left my apartment and ran down the hallway to my neighbor Matthew’s house. He would know what to do. I banged on his door to no avail, and suddenly the teapot was in the hallway behind me, chasing me. I ran and ran but the hallway stretched out in front of me and I could never reach the end.

Finally, I gave up and was ready to let the teapot take me, but then I blinked and woke up in bed. It had all been a dream. While I don’t doubt that my old teapot is not a little bit racist, I believe we all can grow and learn and develop empathy, but it’s gonna be hard. So let’s get started.

Wow, so sappy.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who doesn’t know what he is doing lol. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.