(Burbank, CA) Live from the beautiful Burbank Studios we bring you this breaking news report. According to the people behind hit shows like ‘Jeopardy!’ and ‘Wheel Crank,’ there has been a growing demand for someone to fill the shoes of legendary host Alex Trebek, who recently announced that he would be stepping down in 2020. Some have thrown names into the hat such as Adrien Brody and Nicole Kidman, but in their latest report, the studio has detailed that the most popular person(?) for the job is an interdimensional being that recently began hovering near the studio. People see the sudden appearance of this being as a sign that they were destined to take Trebek’s place, and who are we to argue? So let’s get to know them.
Where are they from? This is unclear. However, according to our leading linguists, they believe that the being was spawned by the void and would not exist if this world were just.
What are they like? The interdimensional being, whose name is Greg, is an ill-tempered god-like creation of hell. They will stop at nothing to oversee the end of everything good in the world. And will that be enough? No. Then they will just move on to another galaxy, another timeline, another universe, to continue their path of destruction. We have to cede them ‘Jeopardy!’ to prevent a future genocide. I’m sorry, I wish thinks had worked out differently.
What’s their favorite color? The flow of the flesh from the corpse of the tree that the universe was grown from. So, like, millennial pink.
Where do they see themselves in 5 years? Standing upon the mountaintop. We do not know which mountain this will be and there are only a few scholars who understand whether or not the mountain is a real mountain or a metaphor, but it does sound pretty ominous, everyone agrees.
Why ‘Jeopardy!’? They have always been a big fan of the game, even back in their home universe. At least that’s the same. Or, at least, we hope. We never asked for clarification. I guess ‘Jeopardy!’ could be something completely different. Hmmm, oh well!
Who is the Best Player? Only Greg knows that, for it is his burden to bear.
How will it end? With a loud, collective sigh, followed by endless screaming.
Can’t wait for 2020! Alex Trebek retire and have a good time already.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is still pitching people to pay him to watch and write about game shows. If you know someone, hit him up @NPEllwood on Twitter.