Local Man Looking for Studs in Wall Has Literally No Idea What He is Doing


(Bushwick, NY) On Tuesday evening, local man and ‘entrepreneur’ Chris Guthworthy was engaging in his favorite weeknight activity of sitting and staring at the wall. While he was doing this, he realized that there was a small area of blank wall just staring back him. Where had this blank space come from? How had he not filled this void in his very own home? He needed to get something up there immediately. Chris ran to Goodwill, grabbed the first thing he saw, and was home in a cool 30. When he got home, he grabbed some measuring tape and headed for the wall. It was then that he realized while banging in random spots on the wall, he had no idea what the hell he was doing.


All his life, Chris had watched people bang around on the wall before hammering a nail in and he always figured when it was his time to do it, he would know what to do. This was not the case at all. He banged once on the wall, but then he didn’t know what he was actually listening for. He knew it had something to do with finding studs, but what does a stud even sound like? God, he would never be a good Dad.


With no idea where it was good for him to nail his wall, Guthworthy just took a whack at it. He nailed it (get it?) and it was good. The nail went straight through the wall and was never seen again. Chris realized that he had made a severe miscalculation and had definitely not found a stud.


Unperturbed by his ignorance, Chris took to the internet and tried to watch a YouTube video on how to find a stud in his wall. Unfortunately, all of the videos were too boring and didn’t explain how to do things in less than 30 seconds, so Chris inevitably learned nothing. God, learning was so hard.


How is anyone supposed to do anything in this life? Now all he was left with was this weird painting of a room that he would never be able to hang. Wait a minute. As he looked closer, Chris realized the room he was looking at in the painting was the room he was in now. It was exactly the same. Look, there he was on the floor. Only, the spot where he was trying to hang the painting was already filled. In its place was a picture of him being murdered in the same room. It was like inception or something.


God, what’s a guy to do. Oh well, guess we’ll just forget about this and never think about it again forever.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, with the idea coming from Steph, who fell in love with the breeze. Or something like that. Follow him for more on Twitter if you want @NPEllwood.


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