(Slumptown, WA) Hello friends, neighbors, and gentlefellows. My name is Gweneth Seminary and I must bring you a humble request. I need to sell a pair of Moon Shoes, never bounced, and I feel as if this story will be too sad to speak aloud. If you know anyone that would like these novelty items, please let me know. I had no idea when I bought these items back in 2007 that they would turn into such a horrible misadventure. Let me regale you with the tale.

I originally bought these for my son Glen as a birthday surprise when he was in elementary school. Unfortunately, none of the toys I have ever gotten for him have realistically lasted more him than just a couple of days of complete bliss. Once he’s done extracting the joy out of these toys, he tosses them in his “to trash” bin and we move on with our lives. Only, for some reason I truly believed the Moon Shoes were different.

I really can’t explain this, but I think we all have our little blind areas when it comes to capitalism. You know what I mean? Sometimes the constant aggressive advertisements that fill your waking hours actually gets through and gives you enough dopamine that you actually call the number and buy some damn Moon Shoes. Only, my son never even got to use them. He left them in the box and I just found them last week. Never been bounced once!

Seriously, y’all. Not a bounce. How sad is that.

I mean, it’s not like I am trying to win a contest for saddest story or anything. I just am saying, virgin Moon Shoes is pretty sad. Also I need the money, which might be sadder. Regardless, please someone take these god awful shoes off my hands. I’m having an existential crisis about it.

Please.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is trying to get into the future more. Follow him on Twitter @NPEllwood.