(The Burbs, USA) I am a simple man. I keep to myself at work, I take care of my family, and I spend my weekends doing my best to maintain my backyard deck. Don’t worry, I don’t do this by myself, I have my five sons to help me. There’s Jed, James, Joney, Jacob, and Kev. And it’s on behalf of my sons that I am writing this plea. 5 radioactive reptilians have crawled out from under my deck and have each individually bitten one of my sweet boys, my lovely sons. I need your help identifying them in order to save their lives. Will you help me?
Ok, let’s see, first there was this bizarre lizard-like creature that emerged just two weeks ago. At first, we were only drawn to it by curiosity, but upon closer inspection we knew that this was a being from the Deep that must be destroyed immediately. Both Jed and Joney volunteered to try and capture the animal so that we could fight it on our terms, but before anyone could jump to action, Kev had thrown himself at the beast with a pair of lawn shears. While the beast was struck a number of times and eventually returned to it’s lair beneath the deck, Kev had been bitten and further poisoned. He’s been in bed ever since.
Next, a few nights after this, we were frying some steaks on the grill and trying to push down the bad thoughts about Kev when an enormous snake the size of my thigh slithered out from beneath the porch. It was a translucent yellow that flared in orange and red when sunlight landed on it’s skin. Again Jed and Joney volunteered to jump right into the fight to try and avenge their brother. Unfortunately, as they were doing this, Jacob launched himself at the snake. Using a technique he had seen only, he was able to shoo the snake away, but not without snapping a bite off into Jed’s ankle. Another son down, another mysterious reptile had escaped my grasps.
Now that we were down to just three, the boys and I began regular training regiments and prepared ourselves for all types of reptilian battles. We would not be caught unaware again. I should include that my wife mentioned we could just fill in the hole that all of these radioactive monsters were crawling out of, but what does she know about backyard decks?
After a week of silence, just as we were settling back into our routine, another attack. This time, we lost our sweet boy Jacob to an electrically charged frog. He’s not dead, but the poison seems to be effecting his brain. The frog was the size of my torso and the color of the sky. I won’t describe the events in any more detail, but if someone could identify this horror I would be much obliged. I would like to kill it. For my sons.
It was down to just me, James, and Joney, with the other boys in the hospital wing of our house we had been forced to build. We were no longer sleeping. Each horror that emerged scared our memories in new ways. In fact, we were in one of our group therapy sessions when Joney noticed a huge reptile coming out from the deck. James, ever the fool, went running after it, despite months of training to do the exact opposite. While I must commend him on his abilities, he didn’t escape unscathed and has been sent to the hospital wing. The reptile that killed him can hardly be describe, other than to call it a ‘tongue that had come alive.’
Finally, it was just me and Joney, my least favorite son if we’re being honest. I didn’t even wait for the colossal turtle to get all the way out from under my deck when I just threw Joney straight at it. While it was distracted biting his leg with unimaginable force, I put a bullet through it’s head and called it a night. I knew then that my kids were safe, because they were all in the hospital wing with my wife. I can’t even describe the turtle, I’m too tired.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, noot if you’re fancy. Follow him everywhere @NPEllwood.