(Hellmouth formerly known as Waco, TX) We come to you today in stunned astonishment at the sights we have beheld and it is with heavy hearts that we issue the following hellmouth update: Waco is no more. It has been fully consumed by the hellmouth and joins the ranks of other swallowed cities like San Diego and Omaha. We have established ourselves on the outskirts of the former city to survey the now gaping hole where just yesterday municipal activities were taking place per usual. We take no pleasure in reporting this, but like all journalists we are sworn to a black soul brotherhood and must fulfill our duty.

Here’s the scoop: According to a local oral history passed down by generations of Waco citizens, back in 1794 a man by the name of Heinrich Baldsmath wandered into one of Waco’s many caves. Although he wouldn’t call himself a professional spelunker, Heinrich had spent his fair share of time in caves, so he decided to see what was hidden in this crevice of the Earth. Just moments after entering the cave he encountered a powerful demon asleep on the floor.

Instead of simply sidestepping the demon like a normal person, Heinrich decided to wake up the demon and ask it for directions. According to the legend, it was at this moment when he went to awake the demon that a powerful curse fell upon him. The demon’s eyes shot open and looked deep into his soul, finding it wanting. He instantly drew up the most foul curse he could upon Heinrich and threw him from his cave to return to society a marked man.

At first, Baldsmath didn’t notice anything different. He spent the rest of his day as he usually did, getting completely shattered at the Waco saloon. It wasn’t until he went to bed that night and was immediately greeted by the same demon he had seen in the cave. Unsure of how to escape his dream, he asked the demon what he wanted of him. The demon responded, “Something is coming to destroy you, I am merely here to remind you of this.”

For the rest of his life, Heinrich had this same dream over and over and over, every single night. He went mad from the anxiety of a coming hell and had no clue what he was evening looking for. 200 years to the day of his death, the original hellmouth appeared on the outskirts of town.

So, that’s what the town thinks, that the demon was just 200 years off on his threat. Makes sense to me. Sorry everyone, no more Waco. Unless..

This could be the biggest Fixer Upper yet.

Stay tuned.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who wants HGTV to let him write shows people will actually watch like Witch in my Wall and Eliminating the Murder Stench, and those were just off the top of the dome. Follow him here @NPEllwood.