You go your whole life thinking this juice cleanse, that yoga class, or maybe a long-term commitment to ayurveda will keep the mistress mortality at bay. But, when the day is done and the body is spent, the Angel of Darkness arrives at everyone’s doorstep.

When our team was given the opportunity to hold a short tête-à-tête with death’s assistant, she had this to say.

Eritas Daily (ED): Wow. We’ve got to start this interview off with a warm welcome. Thanks so much for meeting with us. We’re starstruck.

Angel of Darkness (AoD): That’s quite alright. The pleasure’s all mine. Most people aren’t so pleased to meet with me — harbinger of the end.

ED: Ha! Excellent point. Well, we won’t keep you too long, with your busy schedule and all, but we’re curious to hear if you’ve got any tips for warding off death.

AoD: I’ll be the first to say it: Death is inevitable. I escort plenty of bizarre cases to the underworld, you wouldn’t believe how deadly a good mandoline can be.

ED: Well, we’re bigger fans of the cello. Those deep bass notes …

AoD: I mean, the cooking utensil. Folks thinly slicing produce until their reckless hearts take hold. I’m sure you can imagine the rest.

ED: I’ll think twice before ordering a round of fresh, julienned cucumber again. Mmm.

AoD: Right. Then, there’s death by trendy sport. I’d say it’s the advent of viral videography that’s inspired a generation of stunt-crazy vloggers. If I could encourage your audience to avoid one cutting-edge activity, it would be hot air balloon rides.

ED: So beautiful.

AoD: So deadly. While disease is the number-one cause of death in the United States, accidents are right up there in frequency. I’m not advising any being spend the entirety of their life shut up inside. Though, when you venture to the skies, just know it may be your last moment on earth — physically and spiritually!

ED: Zing!

AoD: That’s all I’ve got to share today. Also, ayurveda is completely legitimate. You should definitely check it out.

ED: Awesome. Thanks for these words of encouragement, Angel. I’m excited to learn more about my dosha until the next time we meet.

AoD: Fare thee well, kapha.

This article was written by Holly Ratcliff who must fall asleep to witty office comedies to stave off an onslaught of ghoulish thoughts. Holly studied poetry at Texas State University. Her literary research is available through the Texas State Undergraduate Research Journal: “‘Too much water hast thou, poor Ophelia’: An Object-Oriented Reading of Hamlet.” Twitter/Instagram: @HollytheHare