Report: Woman Drowns, Man Relieved to Hear She’s Not a Witch


Christina Chevy, 34, has been absolved of guilt for regarding witchcraft accusations after failing to survive the trails that took place last week.


Richard Walker, 48, Texas ranger, accused Chevy of witchcraft following her comments regarding his alleged activities in high school and their alleged nature towards females and their alleged failure to give consent.


Chevy was subjected to numerous standard tests including thumb screws, pressing, and interrogation. Spectators remarked on her stoic nature throughout the proceedings. Her demise came with the final test in which she was held under water. Judges stated that had she survived, she would be a witch.


Walker, who made his accusations amid an impassioned and tearful speech, said, “I regret that it came to this, but it was time someone came forward about witchcraft in America. It’s a big problem when men can’t feel safe, no matter what they might have allegedly done in the past. It’s so hard to prove their own innocence. She probably just shouldn’t have come into the public eye.”




This article was written by Maggie Vaillant, who is herself a bit witchy. Witchy and votey. She votes. Be very, very afraid. Also, follower her on Twitter @MargaretVaillan!


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