(Reno, NV) We have just received a very hot tip from our business and real estate division that they have decided they would like shared with the greater community. According to a recent report from the Better Business Bureau, there is about to emerge a new massive trend in the real estate market. What, pray tell, will this trend be? Desert-front property. Yes, that’s right. You see, due to the climate changing and weather become far worse, deserts will soon become our new ocean beaches. By getting in one the ground floor now, you can make an absolute fortune off the end of our world. Isn’t that neat?

Now, obviously, no plan is foolproof, but we are pretty confident in the ability of humans to just take a swan dive straight into the void. I mean, we haven’t had a great track record thus far and have almost no plan to stop it, so might as well lean into it and buy desert front property which over time will become beach front property and then we’ll all die and finally see what that’s all about.

Ok, I am sure that you have more questions about exactly how to get in on this hot new scheme. First of all, who is even making houses in the desert right now? Turns out, lots of people actually want to live where there is nothing but the wind to keep them company. The desolation is soothing in a way, I guess, but I couldn’t make a life there. Regardless, these folks seem to enjoy themselves, but they also will part with anything they’ve made for 5% above asking price, so go crazy.

The next common concern our potential investors have, and yes you are being sold to, thinking otherwise is just lying to yourself, is how do you know that the oceans will rise into these specific desert areas? Well first of all, at one point or another everything will be by a beach, so that’s a silly question. But more specifically, there has been a technology created that will allow us to see exactly where the oceans will rise and where it will look coolest, thus predicting where the most value will be placed. It’s simple real estate biz, I wouldn’t expect you to get it.

All I need you to understand is that you need to sign up right now. I’m serious. In 20 years in the future, you will be thanking me for giving you your entire life and that’s a promise. No looking back baby. We’re doing this to the max and making a buck. Let’s go.

This article was written by Nate the Great, which is something people have called him. Not a huge fan tbh. Follow him @NPEllwood.