On front porches across the country, you can find a sad sight. No, it’s not a man smoking a long cigarette. Too long, you think to yourself. Why is that man’s cigarette so long? Stop getting so distracted. It’s pumpkins, that’s what we’re here to talk about. It is fall, isn’t it? I’m in such an autumnal mood baby you wouldn’t believe it. Sorry, getting off track again. The sad sight of pumpkins rotting on porches across the country, begging to be put out of their misery. This is what I want you to think about. This is the image that should be in your brain. You need to confront your pumpkin and put an end to this now before this gets out of hand.

Here are just a few ideas of how you can do that.

First idea, bam, off the top of the dome: throw that thing off your roof. You know that it will look sick. More cleanup, sure, but you can probably get a good Instagram or Snapchat video. Both if you’re into cross-platform, but I don’t presume to understand your life. On the ratio of clout to clean up, this one is definitely worth it.

Next idea, boom, definitely a negative clout to clean up on this one, but still potentially worth it: you blow up the pumpkin. How do you do that, exactly? No idea. All I know is that if you were to explode a pumpkin, maybe in slow motion, it would be dope. Ooh, especially if it was a cool design for your Jack-o-Lantern. Yeah, do that.

Ok, so you’re not convinced by the explode-o-lantern. Fine. Here’s another one for you: pick up the pumpkin using a hefty trash bag. Don’t open your mouth or the fruit flies will fly in and infest your brain. This happened to my uncle and he was never the same. Please don’t make the same mistake. Dispose of your pumpkin as safely as possible.

Ooh, another idea, bloww. Light your pumpkin on fire. Obviously be safe about it, but that gets rid of the clean up aspect entirely and might be cool to see what happens. I guess my ideas have officially divulger into a twelve year olds, but that’s whats called for in this manner.

So please, just end it for these poor sad pumpkins. Their eyes are begging you and every moment you hesitate they suffer just a tiny bit longer. Do it for them.

Please.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, definitely not the pumpkins. Follow him @NPellwood for more.