Happy Holidays, oh treasured reader! Yes, that’s right, it’s that time of year again and boy are we excited to dive right into the spirit of Thanksgiving with some turkey, gravy, and just a sprinkle of love. However, as we all know, recent changes to federal law have dictated that there are seven acceptable ways to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. So, today, on the eve of the big day, we want to know: which of these state-approved Thanksgiving activities will you partake in this year?
1. Eat turkey with your spouse and 2.5 children.
According to the Census Bureau, the average citizen has 2.5 children and as you well know, average means best. Eat the turkey with them and be the best American family you can be. As our new country motto states, Just Do It.
2. Dump mash potatoes on your cousin
Now, for all of you normies out there, you’re probably good with just eating turkey. I mean, obligation fulfilled, right? That’s fine and all, but what about the rest of us? Thankfully, our benevolent government has allowed for some wiggle room, just to protect the more odd members of Congress than anything. This is all to say that dumping mash potatoes on your cousin isn’t typically a first choice for many’s Thanksgiving, but it is an option. Just so you are aware.
3. Scoop up the last bit of pie with a Tostito’s Scoops Tortilla Chip®
Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more American than Tostito’s Scoops Tortilla Chips®. Well, there might be one thing more American. Apple Pie, right? Why not combine the two and save yourself from a year of torture in the re-education camps all at one? Two birds, nay, three, with one stone. So that’s an option.
4. Scream into the endless void
Oh man, this one is my favorite. Every year, for as long as I can remember, my family has screamed into the endless void together. It’s so joyous and freeing to just get it at all out and boy do we. With how this year has been going, I can’t wait to get my scream on. You can too. It’s actually just about the easiest thing in the world.
5. Watch everyone’s favorite Thanksgiving film, “Americans in Paradise.”
Depicting the very true events of the first Thanksgiving, Americans in Paradise is nothing short of a propaganda film. I mean, why mince words, right? The re-education camps speak for themselves. That being said, this is definitely the lazy man’s way of getting by. However, as journalists, we believe it is part of our job to warn you that watching this film multiple times, even if you fall asleep or are just on your phone, can alter the way you think. If you can, try to space out the years you watch the movie and just have turkey or something. It’s not worth it. Trust me.
6. Skip the holiday entirely and get some work done.
Sometimes, work is busy and sacrifices need to be made. Thanksgiving, schmanksgiving, am I right? Who needs it? You know what the State really would appreciate, even more than the energy your joy creates? Putting in some hours toward the greater economy and thus, the greater good. Just Do It.
7. Drink red wine to wash down the turkey and the sadness.
This is almost inevitible for most of us, so this can be your fall back if the rest of your plans fall through.
And now, for the most exciting part: the Grand Slam. According to the federal law that ordained all of this whatever you want to call it, if any individual is able to complete all seven of the aforementioned activities, they will be allowed to commit any crime they want for an entire year. So shoot for the moon this year and who knows what might happen!
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is already vegging in preparation. Follow him wherever @NPEllwood.