New Research Finds Most Printers Don’t Operate By the Laws of Gods or Men


(Nashua, NH) In the chaos of our every day lives, there is something special about finding ways to enjoy the little things we experience and make them into something more, something to keep us going. Completing simple tasks and marking them off your to-do list, finding your reading for class is shorter than you expected, feeling the warmth of paper straight from the printer. These little moments that give us joy should be cherished. Hoping to explore this feeling further, researchers decided to take a look at printers and how they can be made to better serve us in our daily lives. Instead, what they discovered was that printers not only cause more frustration than joy, but they don’t seem to operate by the laws of Gods or men.

Yes, you read that right. According to the Joyful Congregation of Helpful Researchers and Cake Bakers, or the JCHRCB, after conducting experiments across the globe in both homes and offices, they could not understand more than a surface level knowledge of printers and how the work. At first, they thought that the printers they were testing must be malfunctioning, as they couldn’t even get a simple Word file to print. After this malfunction continued for seemingly no reason across all machines tested, the researchers decided to start take reach out to the manufacturers to see what was going on.

HP, Canon, Epson, and all of the other big time players denied to comment or allow the research team into their factories. It wasn’t until a note was left underneath our door promising answers that we were able to find out what was going on. We met with J. Printer the Third underneath the cover of a nearby parking structure to see what was what.

J. explained that his grandfather had discovered printers long before they were a household item. At first, he thought that he would be rich off of this discovery, but soon he realized just how dangerous printers can be. J. went on to explain that from the very beginning, his grandfather knew that these machines operated on their own terms, ignoring the laws of Gods and men. He sought to destroy all known printers, but it was already too late.

Over the years, the printer family tried desperately to tell others about the dangers of these machines and that they aren’t what they seem. For years, they were met with scoffs and disbelief, while the major companies either knowingly or unwittingly made profits off spreading this horrendous plague on our nation. No one every believed his father or grandfather, but we vowed that this time it would be different.

If you have a printer in your home that doesn’t seem to work right, take caution and listen to man whose family is the reason we have printers in the first place. We cannot understand these beings and until we do, in our minds, they are the enemy. Stay vigilant.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, whose bane of his existence is a particular printer he has been fighting with for years. HP Laserjet 2000, you’re going down baby. Follow him here @NPEllwood.


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