As the leaves change and the days grow shorter, there has never been a time to get into coffee. Coffee solves all of the problems, all of them. You can’t go wrong with coffee! That’s what we always say, at least. But what kind of coffee should you choose? There are lattes, frappes, chaps, snaps, all sorts of things. That being said, our favorite is lattes and with so many to choose from, we thought we should take time to strike some off your list. By knowing which lattes sound better than they actually taste, you will be able to better navigate the winter season. We present, 10 lattes that you shouldn’t buy because they sound tastier than they truly are.
1. Maple Bark Cookie Latte.
Although this sounds like it would be nice, they took the bark idea too far and it really ends up being chewy, which is not ideal.
2. Cinnamon Stick Explosion
Again, this sounds like it might be tasty, but it actually tastes like a fiery mess instead of a delicious sweet treat. Don’t make this mistake as I did.
3. Latte of Dreams
It’s just dirt and your dreams are dead.
4. Choco Loco Supreme
While you would assume that Choco would mean something related to chocolate, you would be wrong. Instead, it is something more similar to chalk than anything and it is rough.
5. The Latte We Know and Love
Just a plain and simple latte, but somehow the barista just completely messes it up. It’s rough and is so burnt it doesn’t even taste like coffee. Rough.
6. Death on the Horizon
You gaze into the cup and see a long, spanning world that you can’t really begin to comprehend. You sip it slowly and feel the void flowing through you. Oh the bliss.
7. Chilly but Sweet
The only iced latte on our list, Chilly but Sweet will disconnect your bones and leave you as a blob worm. Highly recommend if you’re into that sort of thing.
8. Tarantula Dust
Probably the most expensive latte on our list, the tarantula dust is made from real black widow spiders and is sure to stop your brain from functioning. Also it tastes like tar. Bad news all around.
9. Lights Out, Nights Out
Stuffed with aspirin, this latte does the opposite of what you are hoping and puts you into a cool 24 hour coma. Don’t want to do something that’s coming up on your schedule? Lights Out, Nights Out is here for you. Black out to get through life. Etc.
10. The Latte
A classic, The Latte is not good. Only when you add vanilla or something, but otherwise you’re just drinking burnt milk. Let’s be real.
So, don’t order any of these this winter season and we’ll be good. If you do, I’m not sure what will happen. I’m not sure.
This was painstakingly (lol) produced by Nathan Ellwood, Nate the Great if you will. Follow him @NPEllwood.