(Macon, GA) As December drags on and the end of 2018 approaches, companies across all industries are doing their best to come up with innovative ideas to better serve their clients with the upcoming holiday season. Amongst these companies we find airlines, an industry that always sees a bump with people traveling around the world to see their loved ones. Hoping to get an edge on their competition, Delta Airlines has begun seeking out new strategies from a variety of sources. What strategies, you ask? Well, according to their latest press release, they just need new ways to remind their customers how little they think of them.
Yes, you read that correctly. When pressed further, the press secretary of Delta Airlines Jemb Norbil told reporters that their CEO had recently read in a book that the less you think of your customers, the more desperate they will be to use your services and come back for more. “It’s very similar to the idea of ‘negging’ in dating culture. You see, by mildly torturing our main client base, we treat them differently than anyone else. Not better, different.”
And so far, as much as we can tell, they’re right. New polls done by an independent research company indicates that the worse Delta’s service is, the more money they make. This has lead the board of directors to make a big push for terrible service across the board. In fact, we obtained a list of ideas that are currently circulating the inner workings of the airline. These are direct quotes.
“What if we just got rid of seatbelts and maybe even seats all together? We could fit more people on each flight and the cost we would have to potentially pay in suits balances out with the profits we’ll make after firing half our staff next quarter.”
“Do we really need pilots? Serious responses only.”
“I say we start calling the back of the plane The Trash Zone. Really make them realize how much better First Class is and make them spend more money to have a significantly better flying experience.”
“Say it with me: NO MORE OXYGEN, NO MORE OXYGEN. Instead, we invest in some sweet masks they can wear the whole ride, making it so we don’t have to even pressurize the cabin! Win-win-win.”
“More planes should crash each year. It would up our alcohol sales across the board.”
Whatever happens, we’re just glad we’re not flying them any time soon. Or, do we want to for some reason? Weird. I need to talk to my therapist.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like someone to buy him this shirt in Large. Follow him @NPEllwood.