(North Pole, AK) “Whoa boy, easy. We’re almost done.” The scene we come across is a stunning if not familiar one. We find area man and amateur Christmas caroler Gabe Funch in his living room, getting ready for a Secret Santa party. After all, it doesn’t really feel like the holidays until your first group get together and Gabe was set on making this a night to remember. He was just putting his final touches on his gift wrapping when suddenly he was struck by an innate animal instinct and things began to change. Instead of wrapping a present for a dear friend, he now felt as if he were taming a wild stallion.
Caught completely off guard by this, Gabe decided to try and finish his present wrapping as quickly as he possibly could. While holding one piece of the paper down, he went to grab another piece of tape, but upon succeeding in this deed he ended up losing his grip on the paper. Feeling as if he were in a Marx brothers film, Gabe then went to grab the paper again, only to accidentally wrap the tape around his finger, completely wasting the strip.
Gabe could not understand what was making this so difficult. “I am a grown man,” he thought to himself. “I should be able to complete this task.” Only, the more he focused on his hands completing the wrap job, the more wily the present became, to the point where he was more covered in the paper than the book of short stories he was wrapping. Then suddenly, he had an idea.
Our unlikely hero realized that in order to complete this wrapping task, he would have to lean into treating it like taming a wild stallion. Thankfully, Gabe had always secretly wanted to be a cowboy and had spent an ungodly amount of time investigating them on YouTube. Switching the big switch in his brain that reads “BE THE COWBOY,” Gabe let out a loud “yeehaw” and got to work. In under 10 seconds flat, he had the finished product before him.
It… Didn’t look great. Better luck next time, bud!
This article was slapped together by a dude named Nate. Follow him here @NPEllwood.