(Blowing Rock, NC) In the currently competitive job market, companies are taking drastic measures to boost employee retention. Often, these measures come in the form of better pay, benefits, and other fun perks of the job that make them want to stay with the company. You know, other than just enjoyment of the job and joy in putting in hard work, but does that even exist anymore? I’ve never seen it. However, the most wild thing that companies are doing is asking their employees for loyalty blood oaths and we’re here to give you the deets. Strap in.

In a study recently published by Good Businesses Incorporated, apparently 71% of businesses have attempted to get their employees to enter into a blood oath agreement. According to some uncovered documents and files, not only have companies offered, but a surprising 31% of employees who were asked accepted the blood oath without even questioning it. We could not understand this behavior so we reached out to a few of the people who had accepted the blood oath to hear what they had to say.

“I didn’t really see what was different about it from any other company. I used to work at Apple and you can’t even be a floor manager there without donating DNA samples to an experiment they won’t tell you more about. What’s a little blood?”

“They said I would have health benefits, so I said yes. I am pretty sure I would have said yes to selling my soul to literal satan for that deductible.”

“I gave them my blood oath, but I have no intention of keeping it. My friend Tront just told me about how he leveraged a blood oath with IBM into an immortality soul fuse with Google so I’m trying to get some action like that real soon.”

I guess no one will hesitate to give over their life goo for some health insurance and a livable wage. I can’t foresee that going wrong anytime soon.

The study went on to explain further exactly how the blood oaths were used to harvest the energy of the employee, but we got bored and decided to stop reading. Moral of the story: don’t give someone your blood unless you can leverage it later to get some sweet soul credits. You never know how much you’ll need those, believe me. Or we could always just bring this towering mess down to rubble, but no pressure.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood who is surrounded by cats. Oh god. They’re closing in. Tell my family I love them. Also follow the brand @NPEllwood.