(Waltham, MA) This morning a press released was sent out from Boston Dynamics announcing that their robots would finally be sold to the public, just in time for the holidays. According to the company statement, five different robots will be online starting Friday for pre-order and have surprisingly little to no restrictions on them. In a day and age where it seems like it takes forever for the future to happen, it’s nice to see a company like Boston Dynamics launch us into a cyberpunk dystopia without the slightest thought of the consequences. This can only go well.

First in the line-up is something known internally as ‘the starter package,’ but truly it is just the A-189 model, a simple, affordable robot. The A-189 is capable of many things, including cleaning your kitchen, feeding the dog, and killing your enemies. This might be shocking to you, but this is the least violent member of the BD gang.

Next up is the T-100 robot, a step up from the A-189. Not only does this bad boy double as a personal chauffeur, but you can literally eat off of it due to its auto-cleaning function. The future is so wild, y’all. I already ordered the T-100 for myself and the family, as it is the highest level I can afford. Maybe one day I’ll be able to get the G-40, but that’s not gonna happen for awhile.

Third out of five is the wild card of the bunch, the AA-22. This little bad boy was originally made to install spas in luxury homes, but was repurposed recently as a jack of all trades. Ask this bad boy anything and it will get it for you, no questions asked. You should probably ask some questions.

Next, the penultimate model is known around the industry only as ‘the punisher.’ Basically, this bad boy is a personal assassin and so secretive, no one even knows its model number. You pretty much would only need to get this if you are a mob boss or in some other sort of deep trouble that you need to get out of. Otherwise, we think you should just talk things out.

Finally, the coveted G-40. What a beauty of technology. What a truly godforsaken horror. You may not know the G-40 now, but trust me you will. One day the G-40 will rule us all. Bow before the creation of men, the creation of gods. Bow down.

I changed my mind. I’ll take five.

This was written, yes, maybe, by Nathan Ellwood. It was a pleasure. Folllllllooooow him @NPEllwood.