Millennials Want Your Help Deciding Which Brands to Kill Next


(Seattle, WA) As we all know, millennials love nothing more than bloodlust and assassination. Now it looks like early reports are showing that this will only continue in 2019. However, they are having trouble choosing exactly what they want to destroy in the new year, they are too busy at their yoga classes or whatever. Classic millennials, am I right? Well, don’t say that they don’t ask for things, because we want to hear from you. We will present a few brands for you to review and you vote on which ones we should kill in 2019 based on the opinion of a real life millennial.


Let’s get started!


Zumiez. “Skaters are out and the monoculture is in. This isn’t even just an anti-capitalist thing, they just don’t have the laces selection I’m looking for from my primary shoe distributer.”


Apple. “I’m a 23 year old millionaire. You know the type. Ever heard of “Bitcoin”? So yeah. I got rich off of that when I was 21. Here’s the insider scoop. Apple is done. Have you felt the keyboard on their new laptops? Gross. Look it up. Here’s the deal. They are reporting the lowest stock earnings in one year. It’s 2019. Shit’s going down. I know Apple is seen as too big to fail. Big like that new stupid iPhone XS. Nobody wanted it. Not even a too cool for school young hot shot like me. I literally dropped out of college (and you can too!), Yeah check out that Vlog series I made on youtube. Make sure to LIKE and Subscribe.

Anyway. They’ve gone too far with these stupid phone releases and just generally uninteresting Tim Cook decisions. Dude is the Rand Paul of CEOS. They’ve lost quite a bit of stock for it. But look. This is the dark age. They’re actually going down. They will lose all of their money and Apple as a company will have been bought out by Toshiba by the end of the year.

Trust me, I’m young and rich,

You can follow me on literally every social media platform.”


Dippin’ Dots. “Name’s Polly. And, I hate Dippin’ Dots. They don’t feel right on my tongue. Never have. But, my momma never listened to me when it came to that, not once. So, time and time again she’d honorably deliver me to Hot Topic where I would browse the latest band tees, Weibo keychains (I was the only one in my friend group that truly knew about Sailor moon, ya know?), and albums (inspo for LimeWire). All this to say that momma would treat me to a round of Dippin’ Dots afterward, and they’d make my mouth mighty numb. Not great. Down with cold rounds!”


Burger King. “The king is gone. How did it come this far? From the days of The King’s Xbox Exclusive games and viral football commercials, to the (probably) dead restaurant that it is now. They may have been ahead of the curve with their ultra diverse kids club cast. But after all the crowns that have became the entire base of a landfill the size of Australia floating in the ocean, it is time. Remember all that macaroni cheeto crossover stuff from last summer? I knew it was game over then. You can now find their “limited time menu items at the front of your frozen food aisle” .. Like just wow. Focus on your dang burgers first. Them and their fake chargrilled painted lines on soy-meat water soluble circular bullshit. Their chicken tastes like salted cardboard. It’s over guys. It hasn’t happened yet, but now, because of my words. You will be vanquished.”


Dillards. “Who remembers J. C. Penney? I don’t. And to be honest, Dillards isn’t that memorable either. I mean, if I wanted to wander a large fluorescent warehouse looking for things to fill my closet, I’d go with my cousin Stassney out to the old abandoned factory and just wander around with my eyes closed. I don’t need this experience from Dillards anymore. So, I guess, what’s the point?”


Cracker Barrel. “I can’t explain it but I just feel racist dining at this establishment. We should end it and put it out of its misery.”


Or, maybe we just kill all of them? Yeah, let’s do that.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, Brandon De Leon, and Holly Ratcliff. A real team effort.


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