Local Man Attempts to Ride Scooter, 3 Dead


(Austin, TX) If you don’t live in a big city, you may not have heard about the latest trend us city slickers have cooked up for getting around town. A couple of months ago, or has it been years already, two companies jumped into the spotlight. Bird and Lime both offer a simple solution for pedestrians who would like to avoid walking as much as possible in the form of scooters. Now, these babies are a common site in almost every major U. S. city and all it took was a billion dollars. However, none of that mattered to Jeff Townsend, a local man, who recently attempted for the first time to ride a scooter. Ultimately, unfortunately, his simple act ended tragically in three deaths.


We are bringing you this report from the intersection of Riverside and Congress where this accident occurred just last evening. According to eyewitness accounts, Townsend had just visited a local cafe to procure his pick-me-up cup of cold brew coffee. Apparently in a hurry, but not a big enough hurry to forgo coffee, he decided to try out one of these scooters he had been seeing around town. Having downloaded the app a few weeks ago and tested it out with a friend, it only took Jeff a few tries to get the scooter going. With coffee in hand he hit the streets and that’s when the streets hit back.


Immediately upon getting up to max scooter speed, Jeff realized he had made a mistake. Well, multiple mistakes actually, but he hadn’t realize that yet. The first mistake he made was the coffee, as he quickly understood that this was a two-handed activity. In his mind’s eye, he saw the drink slipping out of his hand and onto his brand new white H&M sweater. He knew this was incoming, but he had no way to stop it.


In an ill-fated last ditch effort to save the sweater, our unlikely villain took a step off of the scooter mid-ride, something that is highly irregular and against procedure. Mid-spill, both of drink and flesh, Townsend somehow did a front flip over the handlebars of his scooter. As he landed, his cold brew flew into the air and landed all over him. His scooter, still traveling at 25 mph without Jeff on it, flew straight into traffic. The following accident ended with three deaths. This is not a happy story.


Thanks a lot Jeff, you just had to have your cold brew boost, huh? Just had to? Please, we the people of your city are begging you to never ride another scooter again.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who is a fraud for having never ridden a scooter, but listen, I’m scared. Follow him for more on Twitter or wherever @NPEllwood.


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