Sup my fellow beings, let’s get this bread. Am I right? Alright, calm down, let’s get serious. I’m talking to you, my start-up fam, those of us that risk it all for the big bucks. Us, the entrepreneurs, we gotta stick together. Which is why, for you, I’m doing this. You see, my group of engineers and I put together this dope little ad-lib based on running over 100,000,000 job postings through our system. It is, scientifically, the perfect job posting, and we are giving it to you to use free of charge. Check it out.
Are you an (insert skill here) rockstar looking to (contribute to a vision/change the world)? Join (company name + .ai/.io/.ly)! We’re seeking a dedicated (engineer/UX designer/sales monkey) to join our small but mighty team.
This is a great role for a (creative/innovative/details-oriented/white) individual. We’re the leading startup disrupting the (tech/oil/real estate) world and we’re looking for a self-proclaimed (marketing/engineering/visual) geek to join our squad. Do you love (scrum management/sorting through code/convincing the product team of your value)? We might be the workplace for you!
As a (full stack developer/inside sales representative/director of marketing/office manager) you will collaborate with the (product/marketing/engineering) team to reinvent (the wheel/modern transportation/some kind of app). You must be (a “self-starter”/able to “execute” with “minimal guidance”/organized).
- (Draft/cold brew/kombucha) on tap
- Pay well below the national average for this position
- (Foosball/bean bag chairs/snacks)
- Regular (happy hours/team sports/enforced fun time)
- “Great company culture” (and zero embellishment on what that even means)
- A raise, one day
You know they say exposure is everything right now.
Please upload your resume and then fill out all the same information on the follow six pages. We probably won’t look at it because our AI told us not to. Better luck next time.
Trust us, this is guaranteed to work.
This article was written by Veronica Neslon and Nathan Ellwood, who have a band together, but they mainly play in bogs during full moons, so you’ve probably never heard of us. Follow them at @_veronicanelson and @NPEllwood respectively.