(San Diego, CA) Are you the adventurous sort? Are you looking to go on a quest? Then come with me, for I’ve got a task for you. The “Media” won’t tell you this, but there are hidden secrets deep in the aisles of Costco. You see, the owners of the nationwide chain are notoriously superstitious. So much so that they have made it a company policy to keep a large amount of golden items in unsuspecting places around every store on the off chance that they need to quickly grab them in order to liquidize their assets in a pinch. Only, we know their secrets and we want your help to unlock them.

Here’s the plan. It’s pretty simple. We figure out the security rotation at each of the different stores around the world. Then, all at once, we snap into action. This will be a coordinated effort and before you ask, yes, we will be syncing our watches like they do in the movies. We will blind their cameras and make our moves. This will be the easy part. The hard part will be transporting the items because there is a catch I forgot to mention: they are magical items of great power.

That’s right, these treasures of the Costco family are more than just valuable, they could very well control the fates of gods and men. We must be swift and we must not hesitate when the time comes to do what is necessary. I mean, not really. We’re basically robbing a Costco, it’s not that deep.

Ignore all that, this is all that you need to know. The hidden items of great power will likely either be behind the thumptacks or in the middle of a bunch of Kleenex boxes, according to our software. We analyzed all of their stocking practices and that’s what makes the most sense to us. Get near these areas and get ready. When the signal hits your watch, find the item and make your way to the front of the store. If you are stopped by security or a heroic employee, hold the item like you are about to smash it on the ground. This will buy you enough time to make it to the getaway car.

And from there its pretty easy. The final meeting location will be revealed to you in a dream and then we will perform the ritual. After that, it’s not in our hands. Destiny will either choose us or it won’t and I’m ok with that being out of my control. I truly do. I hope you will too.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like to ask you about something, something very dear to his heart: have you let Slimeman into your life? Follow him @NPEllwood.