Hello, my name is Jamie Lee Curtis and today, I am going to teach you how to pivot into a new role. While you may know me from my films, such as True Lies, Halloween, and Freaky Friday, it wasn’t until I began schlepping Activia that I found my true purpose in life: making as much money as I possibly can. With years of expertise scheming and scamming, running and gunning, I believe that I am uniquely qualified to help you hack your lifestyle and turn your life into exactly what you want it to be. Now, without further ado, let’s change your life.

First, you need to assess where you are in life and where you want to be. I originally did this back in 2003, right after we had finished filming Freaky, as I realized how quickly I could become typecast as the ‘Mom’ character. That’s not what I wanted, that’s what Allison Janney is for. So, I decided to look for new roles that I could pivot into with minimum effort and hopefully maximum results. Just then, a rep from Activia reached out about a commercial deal and I knew it was destiny.

Next thing you know, I’m on my way to Dannon headquarters in France with a teeming tub of probiotic yogurt. I had never been happier, it was absolutely bliss. Unfortunately, this didn’t last long and when we began to roll tape on the first commercial, I knew I was out of my depth. What did I, Jamie Lee Curtis, know about selling a product? If this was going to pan out the way I hoped and help secure that third beach house Chris and I had always dreamed of, I was going to need to figure something out and quick.

I reached out to a couple of different life coaches, counselors, and therapists to walk them through my thought process and see what nuggets could be extracted from that. Then, I had a team of scientists analyze my different career choices and figure out which one was statistically the most likely to succeed. After this, I gathered all my living family members into one room in order to hear each of them out one at a time. When Jamie Lee says she’s going to do something, she doesn’t mess around.

With all the wisdom of professionals, friends, and colleagues swimming in my brain, I decided to relax with a bite of the complimentary Activia now overflowing from my fridge. After a minute, I quickly and discreetly made my way to the bathroom, thinking to myself “Damn this shit works” the whole way. It wasn’t until I had been sitting on the toilet for 20 minutes that I realized this was what I wanted. It wasn’t where I expected my life to go and it wasn’t something I was even necessarily passionate about, but it was what life had chosen for me.

Now, you may be asking, “What does all of this have to do with me? I mean, after all, you are Jamie Lee Curtis and I am not.” A fair point. Listen, I am a busy person, I don’t have time to help every single person fix their life individually. Just read back through that amazing story I just told and figure it out for yourself. You think I became the Activia spokeswoman by just taking the advice of some random celebrity on the internet? You’ve got another thing coming.

Peace and love, y’all.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves the fact that yogurt is basically edible slime. Yeah man, put those blueberries in there and call it something else, I know we’re eating slime. Follow him @NPEllwood.