(Burlington, VT) On a surprisingly cold March evening in the small blustery town of Burlington, we find the quiet suburb of Oakledge Park, a quasi-provincial neighborhood covered in a snow. We zoom in further to discover a mid-sized duplex where area man and recent cat owner Jesse Glomberg is minding his own business, watching Netflix, just straight up getting his veg on. That is, until, his new cat Gilberto enters the room, makes a loud, indescribable meow, and vomits on the floor. “Oh God!” are the first words out of Jesse’s mouth as he runs into the kitchen to grab cleaning supplies. When he gets back to the living room, he finds his dog, Jester, eating the vomit and cries out “Oh God!” again.
Just as Mr. Glomberg is about to yell at his dog for this disgusting act, Jester realizes his mistake and vomits the chewed-up vomit again onto the floor. Stunned, shocked, and sick-to-his-stomach, Jesse falls to his knees and starts scrubbing his heart out. It is while he is doing this that he reflects on a simpler time when he wasn’t always cleaning up animal vomit. “Oh, the good ol’ days,” he thinks to himself. “I was so young, so naive.”
You see, Jesse Glomberg grew up in New Hampshire as an only child and until he was 18, he had never had a pet of his own. His parents had always been opposed to having a cat or dog around and Jesse’s only interaction with animals was either at the zoo, his friend’s houses, or his uncle’s farm down the road. Even though he assumed that they did, it wasn’t until he was 26 and had adopted his own dog that he was 100% certain that pets vomited. And boy was it a rude awakening.
Jesse had only adopted Jester two weeks before and so far, everything had been a breeze. Jester had been full grown when he was brought to the shelter, meaning that he came already house-trained and ready for fun. However, this was still Jesse’s first time with animal ownership and mistakes are bound to happen. He happened to leave part of his pizza on the kitchen counter while he answered the door for a UPS package, allowing for Jester to steal it and hide it in the guest room. Jesse discovered this when later that night, he awoke to the horrid sound of Jester puking in the hallway. This first clean was when he realized he might have bitten off more than he could chew.
It took another two years for Jesse to forget about this and, although more vomits did occur, it did not inhibit him from adopting a cat and bringing him into the mix. Gilberto was the cutest little cat and together they made a great team, but it wasn’t long before the cat vomits began and Jesse’s soul began to drain out his eyes.
Now, Glomberg has gotten used to the cleaning, but still he reflects on the simpler times before all of this. And you know what? He wouldn’t change a thing.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves all of the pets in his life equally, except for Murph, for obvious reasons (she would disown me). Follow him @NPEllwood.