Walgreens Pharmacy Threatens to Start Taking Hostages Unless You Pick Up Your Prescription By 3pm


Tuesday, 12pm. Hey there, it’s your local Walgreens pharmacy, here to remind you about your prescription refill! Go ahead and confirm your refill by either replying YES to this email, visiting our website, or telling your local bog witch that you need more “life juice.” No matter what form your request takes, we’ll get it, process it, and have your prescription ready for your by tomorrow at 3pm. Don’t forget to come by and get it! We’ll be sure to send you a reminder should you forget, but it’s always more respectful to come at the agreed upon time. That’s just common decency. Regards, Your Walgreens Pharmacy.


Tuesday, 4pm. Hello (First_Name)! Thank you for confirming your prescription refill! We cannot wait to see you in our lovely establishment tomorrow at 3pm. That’s less than 24 hours away! What a treat. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do for you. Love always, Your Walgreens Pharmacy.


Wednesday, 6am. A sunny, bright day welcomes you (Preferred_Nickname)! Today is the day that you can finally get your prescription. Yay you! Over here, we are just so excited about seeing you swing by, we just wanted to send you this quick note. 3pm – don’t forget!


Wednesday, 3:01pm. Hey there! We haven’t seen you around yet, did you get stuck in traffic? Just reminding you that your prescription for (Customer_Prescription_Name) is available now. Come by soon. Hurry!


Wednesday, 4pm. Are we a joke to you? We’ll see who’s laughing when this is all said and done.


Wednesday, 6pm. Listen, when someone says 3pm, that means 3pm, OK? You don’t get to operate by your own rules, that’s not how society works. Come and get your pills already.


Thursday, 8am. Here’s the thing, we didn’t want to have to do this, but you’ve given us no other choice. Pick up your prescription by 3pm today or else we are going to start taking hostages. Anyone near the pharmacy area at 3pm will automatically be taken hostage without due process and it will be all. your. fault. Hope to see you soon!


Thursday, 2pm. Only an hour to go.


Thursday, 3pm. Well, you’ve made your choice. Just remember, this is on you.


Thursday, 3:15pm. Thank you for picking up your prescription, (First_Name)! We hope to see you again soon. XOXO, Your Walgreens Pharmacy.





This performance art piece was written by Nathan Ellwood, who enjoys long walks through the void. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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