Confound it, I have had enough! I know that I keep saying that millennials are ruining my life, but I mean it this time. Millennials think that they can just grow up and be adults without even asking me, as if they don’t need my permission. It drives me crazy just thinking about all of the people now calling themselves “adults” who can’t even change their own oil or know what a savings bond is or even know how to drive stick. Driving a manual car used to be a time-honored tradition, what happened? For example, my pathetic 11-month-old son can already crawl around the entire house and hide himself in my kitchen cabinets, but put him behind the wheel of my 1988 Beamer and he’s totally useless!
Now, I know technically my 11-month-old kid isn’t even a millennial, but in my opinion, if you were born after the first computer, you’re a damn millennial, OK? There are two generations: the good one and the new one, or the bad one as we call it around my circle of friend. Jordan laughs at all my jokes, that’s how I know they’re funny. I respect Jordan because he has like eight kids, all under 16, and they are all driving stick already.
I mean sure, it’s because he is never around and they have to out of necessity, I’ll give you that. But that doesn’t give my kid the right to be a slacker, no sir. When I was 11 months old I was already the healthiest member of my family and I drove stick without an issue. I mean, someone had to or else how would the hay get mowed?
Listen, my therapist says that I need to be less angry and I find that getting out all of my thoughts like this really helps, but honestly this time I am just getting even more fumed. What happens when the good generation is gone? What will we have left for our children? No, I’m not talking about “climate change,” I don’t believe in that crap. I’m talking about an entire world of people, walking around, bumping into people while on their cell phones, not even knowing how to drive stick shift. Can you picture it? I LITERALLY CAN’T.
OK, OK, I think I am settling down. I just pictured a world without cars at all and got so angry on behalf of Ford, GMC, and our troops that I think my brain finally snapped. Now nothing feels out of the realm of possibilities and that is so terrifying that I literally reverted all the way back to just being calm. God, what an afternoon.
I guess I’ll leave you with this: if you want your kid to survive whatever the future holds for a world without stick shift drivers, come over to my house on Sundays around 3 where I’ll be holding a class for my own son, hoping to finally bring him into the real world.
Think it’s too harsh to roast my own kid like this? Maybe you should come over too and I’ll show you a thing or two. Not on Sunday though, I have plans.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who doesn’t have plans on Sunday, but thanks for asking. Follow him @NPEllwood.