Guy Watching Pirated Copy of Garden State Starting to Wonder When Zach Braff is Going to Show Up


(Newark, NJ) It was a rainy Tuesday night and all of Alan’s plans had fallen through due to the weather. So, rather than go bowling like he usually did on nights like this, Alan decided to cozy up with a blanket and keep warm with the sound of Zach Braff confessing his love for Natalie Portman. Unfortunately, Alan had recently lost a good portion of his DVD collection to a flash flood and so he had to rely on a kind of wack online streaming website. After finding a working link, Alan sat back and started to finally relax. It wasn’t until about twenty minutes into the movie that Alan realized he might have made a mistake, as he had yet to see Zach Braff. However, he couldn’t remember for sure how the movie went, so he decided to keep watching.


So far, the story of the movie had been kind of vague. It mainly consisted of monkeys dancing around a fire and then freaking out about a large black obelisk that made its way down to them from space. Now, Alan remembered that he thought Zach Braff had been a visionary when he first watched the movie, but not many other specifics. Who was he to judge if he wanted the first third of his movie to be completely irrelevant to the overall plot? He’s an artist, OK?


Despite his belief in the artistic intellect of one Mr Braff, Alan did start to realize his mistake when the movie suddenly cut to a man flying up to the moon in a spaceship. Again, he wasn’t completely convinced that this wasn’t the movie he wanted, but he didn’t want to admit, not even to himself alone in his apartment, that maybe he didn’t actually know what he was talking about.


Over 2 hours later, Alan finally understood what was happening. These were obviously just the deleted scenes from Zach Braff’s cutting room floor. He must have accidentally download the special features instead of the actual movie. No wonder nothing really made any sense.


With this figured out, Alan was going to stop watching the current program and find a reliable link for Garden State. However, it had taken over 2 hours to figure this out and there was only like 30 minutes later in the special features and he was getting tired. He decided to finish it and watch Garden State another night. Unfortunately, he didn’t even make it to the climax.


In his dream world, Alan unlocked yet another version of the film. Apparently, if you become blessed by Mr. Braff, you are then allowed to view a third, unedited, completely raw cut of Garden State, all without leaving the comfort of your own brain. Technology (and Zach Braff) are fascinating.





This was written by Nathan Ellwood who loves The Shins as much as the next guy, but come on. Follow him @NPEllwood


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