(Denton, TX) From the day they started making clothes back in 1947 until today, H&M has grown from a small-time Swedish clothing store into an international mega-conglomerate, with online shopping available in 33 countries. Now, CEO Karl-Johan Erling Fredreick Göran Persson has decided that he wants to make the jump to the next logical step in a company’s growth: colonization. That’s right, according to documents put forth to the U.N. this week by Persson himself, H&M will officially be colonizing Denton starting at the beginning of next month. We don’t really understand how or why they are doing this, but it is our job to try out best to find out for you, our beloved readers.
So, what exactly does it mean for a large clothing brand to take over your city? Well, first of all, starting May 1st it will be a finable offense to be found anywhere within the city limits wearing anything but H&M products. From your cool hats to your more private undies, you will be required to wear H&M clothing for all of it. If you are found wearing anything but this assigned uniform by the Denton police force, you are likely to face a $500 offense and potentially even a literal slap on the wrist.
Outside of what you will be wearing, every citizen of Denton will now officially be listed as an H&M employee on the company website and all official government forms. While this will mainly be in title alone, we discovered a small clause in the employee handbook (which is now basically functioning as a rule of law) that at any point, H&M can activate your employee status and set you to work at just above minimum wage. Beware this contract, should you be forced to sign it.
Finally, H&M will be sending some representatives from Sweden to oversee things and hopefully facilitate a smooth transition. We don’t know much about these representatives yet, but we do know that they will be in charge when they arrive and supersede even our highest local government officials. Again, I would do my best to avoid pissing them off.
With this, Denton, we leave you to your fate. Godspeed, former city and present colony, godspeed.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who knows that one of those names in Persson’s long name is fake. Sadly, he also knows the rest of them are very real. Can you figure out which one?