Haunting: Facebook Has No More Friends to Recommend


It happened to me. Growing up, you never think something like this will happen to you, but it happened to me. This is supposed to be something that happens to other people, not you. This isn’t what life would be like, no one told you it would be this way. OK, enough stalling, let’s just get into it. Earlier this morning I was having some cereal and browsing memes on Facebook from the night before. As I scrolled through my feed, I noticed something out of the ordinary, something unnerving. There, in the place where you would typically find a list of recommended friends using your mutual friend’s list was instead, a blank box with a sad message reading “We no longer have any friends to recommend.”


This means, according to Facebook, I have met every friend that I will ever meet. Do you know how damn depressing that is? I mean sure, I like my friends now, but people change. I’m not sure if everyone is gonna be as cool in 50 years. In all likelihood, they will be specifically very uncool and I just won’t have time to deal with that as a grammy award winning artist.


You see, I plan to use the emotions that I’ve been feeling in quick sequence this morning to write, produce, and sell a pop album. In 50 years, if I don’t have a grammy, then Facebook as an entire idea will be considered a failure. In my eyes at least.


I’m now in the process of working my way through their customer service department to find someone who will adequately satisfy my thirst for revenge or at least satiate me by offering me free ads money on their platform. These hand-made doilies aren’t gonna sell themselves.


Finally, after this has left my immune system and I’m ready to get more involved in my feelings I am going to schedule a marathon therapy session where we just get into the thick of it, the marrow of it. It feels so good to just bare yourself raw and let the elements take over, you know? It’s going to be hard, but it will be worth it.


Oh wait, just kidding. I just logged back onto Facebook and theirs more people for me to add now. Whew, could you imagine actually doing all of that stuff I talked about? lol.






This was written by Nathan Ellwood who one day hopes that Facebook will only be me and like three other people talking about the movie Interstellar. Ideal social media. Speaking of, follow him @NPEllwood where it matters.


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